Simply Terrified

All day I've been trying to think of just the right words to share with you.  So many emotions have gone through my head this weekend, and I'm still not quite sure how to sum them all up into a few paragraphs. I keep thinking just write it straight out, who cares if it's blunt, it'll be honest.  And then I think, you never know who is going to read this so write it carefully, choosing exactly the right words, just in case.  I've gone back and forth between the two all day, and until this second I had decided to just not write.  I couldn't think of "the right words" that would show how I'm feeling while remaining "proper" if you will, so I figured why write them at all? But as I sat here tonight, I started thinking back to why I began this blog.  All of the emotions that went into those first few posts. The goals I had, the honesty I wanted to share, and the possibility of helping someone one day through my words. That's when it hit me.  This blog is not here to make people happy, it's here as my personal outlet.  A place where I can write what I'm feeling, record it, and look back on it one day and learn from my experiences all over again.  It's a place where I want people to be able to turn to for honesty, reality, and hope.  I never promised all of my posts would be filled with joy, laughter, encouraging stories, or sunshine and rainbows to make everyone happy. What I promised myself and my readers through this blog is my story.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.  Take it for what you want. Read it and judge me in any way you please.  I'm only human, and I'd be lying to myself and you if I didn't share my whole story on here. So here it is.  How I've been feeling this week and the things I'm struggling with.

I am scared out of my ever loving mind.  There I said it.

As you know from my last few posts, I feel called to do missions in Haiti long-term.  While that is an incredibly exciting thing for me, it scares the crap out of me.  I don't feel adequate for the job. I'm only 22 and moving to another country is simply terrifying.  How do I move away from my family?  What am I going to be doing while I'm there?  Am I really fit for this?  Were these last four years of college for nothing?  Will my design degree even be able to be used over there? What about my friends?  How do I pay my student loans off?  What about my plans? My dreams?  How long will I be there? What happens after? Am I prepared for what I'll see and experience there?  Can I handle it?

I know this all sounds incredibly selfish.  And I know God has a plan.  But right now I'm just constantly wondering, and it's terrifying.  I like to have a plan.  I like to know what's coming next so I can prepare myself.  Growing up I had a plan: I would go to college, fall in love, graduate, become a designer, get married, have kids, and open my own design firm one day. I never in a million years thought I'd be going to Haiti after college.  I remember as a young girl sitting in church listening to the stories from various missionaries and thinking wow, what incredible people they are.  I never, EVER thought God would make me one of them.  While I love Haiti, the people, the culture, the kids, and everyone working there, and I am very excited to work there, I still find myself laying awake at night wondering why God chose me.  I'm no one special.  I'm just like any other girl. He clearly sees something in me that I do not.  I know this is where He wants me.  I know I have to go.  And I know when I'm standing on the other side of things, I'll look back on this post and laugh at myself for ever questioning it.  I know it will all work out, I'm just scared.  I've never done anything like this.  I'm used to going for a week or two and then coming back to the safety and comfort of life here.  I don't know how to give up everything familiar and comfortable.  I don't know how to live in a place where my family is not a short drive away, and I don't speak the languate.  I don't know if I can do it. I just keep praying over and over and over again that God will give me the strength and the courage.  He never promised our calling would be easy, but He did promise to be with us every step of the way.

I've heard asking God these kinds of questions is not bad, that it simply draws us closer to him, but I feel terrible inside for questioning His calling.  I feel like the "right" thing to do is have faith 100% and jump in no questions asked.  I feel guilty for being scared and feeling inadequate.  That's why I almost didn't write this post.  I didn't want to admit to everyone that I'm terrified.  But at the end of the day, I still lay awake in my bed scared out of my mind, so I figured I might as well share my struggles.  Maybe I'm not crazy for feeling this way?  I'm not sure.  All I know is that regardless my fear, I still trust God has a plan, and I can't deny the calling He has put in my heart.  I just wish I understood it all and knew what was coming next.  I'm simply terrified.  However, in the end I guess God doesn't call us to be comfortable, or know all of His plans for our lives, He just asks us to have faith.  And I'm trying.  I really am.  I just need your prayers, now more than ever.

I keep holding onto these verses, and praying for the strength and courage I need now and will need as this journey continues.  I'm scared, but I trust God. I am excited to go to Haiti, and I know this will be amazing as long as I keep trusting Him, even when I am scared.

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6


"David also said to Solomon his son, 'Be strong and courageous and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished." -1 Chronicles 28:20


"Do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10