Brain Dump #6594

I couldn't think of good title for tonight's update so why not go with my 6,594th brain dump post…after all that's what all my posts end up being :).  So here we go: prepare your self for an all over the place blog!

Erin and I went to Grandma & Pa's last week.  I honestly can't remember the last time just she and I went and stayed with them for a few days.  Growing up we spent most of our school breaks up there on the farm, but it's probably been years since just the two of us hung out with them.  It was SO nice.  I felt like I was reliving a part of my childhood and kept finding myself feeling immensely grateful for the opportunity to go see them.  I love my grandparents and am so very blessed to call them mine!

Pa had never heard of, let alone tasted, s'mores so we had to introduce him! I think you can tell he liked them :)

We helped supervised Grandma & Pa while they cut and canned tomatoes - over 12 quarts worth!

My Etsy shop has been open for two weeks now, and while I haven't gotten as many sales as I'd hoped, I'm really enjoying having the shop!  The creative juices are always flowing and I love trying to come up with new ideas to sell.  Stay tuned, you may see some new fall/halloween items going up in the next few weeks ;-).

For an update on my goals:

-I have officially read 3 (and 1/2)…yes T-H-R-E-E books this year!!!!  I know you book lovers out there are laughing at me, but this is HUGE!  I'm pretty sure I've never read this many books for fun, ever!  I really enjoyed the last one I read, called Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult, and am thinking about starting a second book of hers next.  I know, I know, four books is impressive ;-)!  Ha!  This does mean I've not only met, but exceeded my goal for the year in this category!!  I'm feeling pretty proud of myself!

-Pursuing my dream career path is still in the works too.  Driving to Grandma's last week, I realized how much I miss living in High Point.  Erin suggested looking for jobs up that way again, so I've been doing just that!  I found that it's hard to get a job when you don't live in the area, but I'm hoping and praying for the right position to open up!  I would so, SO, love to move back up there again!!  In the meantime, I am meeting with the Duke Temp agency to try and get some more part-time work and experience to build my resume (and wallet!).  Please keep my job search in your prayers. I know it can seem unimportant compared to other prayer requests, but it would mean so much to me!  I'm ready to get into a full-time career and begin this next phase of life, so please pray that God would open and close the right doors to get me there!

-All of my other goals are pretty much where they were when I last posted.  They may be progressing slowly, but progress is progress!


Well, that's about all for now :)

Heartbreak and a Call to Prayer

The hospital where this sweet woman is being treated.

 

What did you do the last two days?

For me, Wednesday and Thursday were like none other.  I started Wednesday off like any normal day.  I was up around 7am, fixed breakfast, Jeremiah came to look at installing the inverter, Esther came by to clean the house for Emily, and things were just normal; running smoothly and enjoyable.  However, as I was fixing dinner that night, my world was rocked.  I got a call from my good friend Erin Fairbanks, who is now working at Dorothy's.  She had been at the hospital all day with Emmanuella, one of the kids at Dorothy's, who was getting her pre-op done for a feeding tube surgery next week.  While at the hospital, Erin was talking with a friend there who mentioned they had an abused woman in their care and they weren't sure where to send her, or who does that kind of ministry here in Port.  Naturally, Erin thought of us and gave me a call wondering if we could take this lady in.

Here is where it got hard.

Come to find out, an American man who brings teams down regularly always checks on this Haitian lady, takes her food, etc.  While in town this past week, he could not find her.  He began to ask around wondering if she had moved, past away, was sick, etc.  They eventually found her in a cemetery.  Bound with wire, gagged, and with severe injuries.  He immediately took her to the hospital for treatment. When I heard this my heart sank.

Who would do such a thing and why?  Why her?  Who did it?  Was it voodoo, her husband, family? How do we help her?  How do we turn her away?  Can we take her in?  Are we equipped for that yet? What is her state of mind even like?  What type of treatment would she need? How do we help her?!??

I spent all of Wednesday night in tears and on the computer emailing back and forth between Erin, Patricia, Emily, and me.  It broke all of our hearts.  We had to do something but what could we do?  We aren't equipped, trained, or prepared to take women like this in, but how do we turn her away??  There are so few places, if any, here in Haiti to send this woman.  My mind raced all night as I tried to figure out how we could help.

Then Thursday came around.  Erin texted and asked if I'd like to go with them to the hospital and meet this lady.  I said yes, and off we went.  I thought from the conversation we had the night before that I was prepared to see this woman, but boy was I wrong.  We sat and talked with the nurse first to get a better understanding of what happened and the severity of her injuries.

We were informed that they believe she was used in some sort of Voodoo ceremony.  They are unclear of how long she had been there, but from her injuries they concluded it had to have been for some time.  The nurse said her whole body was bound with wire.  Her fingers bound so tight that at the base they were cut to the bone, barely hanging on.  She had a huge open wound on her knee where you could see all the tendons and ligaments.  She said this wound was badly infected with screw worms, like nothing they'd seen before.  To the point that they had to call a vet to figure out how to get rid of them. She also has a hole in her ankle where they believe she has some other type of worm living because you can watch its air bubbles come to the surface (she will need surgery for this soon).  She was infested with maggots, everywhere.  In places you would never want maggots.  She was missing a few fingers, which could have been a previous injury or caused from the wire.  They believe she will lose her leg and need a prosthetic in the near future.  Her injuries are so severe that she will be spending a while in the hospital. The nurse also told us that when she was brought to the hospital and finally cleaned up, they took her to her room.  They said she bent down, smelled the sheets (noticing they were clean), smiled the biggest smile they've ever seen, and then laid down and fell right asleep.  The nurse said you could tell it was the first time she had felt safe in a long time.

I was not prepared. Not even close.

It took all I had to not burst into tears when I met this woman face to face.  I couldn't think of anything to say.  I asked how she was doing and told the nurse that we would figure out some way to help.  I wasn't sure what that would look like, but we WOULD help!

As we left, my heart broke in two. Who could do such a thing to this woman?  Why is this world so cruel? How on Earth are we going to help?

Needless to say, she needs your prayers and we need your prayers!!  This is not the first time we've been asked to take someone in.  There simply aren't enough ministries here serving these types of cases.  While our original plan was to not house women, as this question keeps arising we are becoming increasingly aware that this may just be the path God wants our ministry to go. Unfortunately, we are not equipped to take this sweet woman in, but we are beginning the process of looking into this as an option in the future.

Unfortunately, saying yes is not as easy as it sounds.  While our hearts scream ABSOLUTELY we'll take her, our minds are reminded of how big of a committment that is.  As soon as we take the first woman in, we will open our gates to a revolving door of these cases.  We will get knocks and calls all the time.  That then forces us to face and prepare for these questions:

-Who do we take in?
-Who do we turn away?
-How many women can we house?
-What services can we provide?
-What if they need medical care?  We don't have a nurse here, transportation to take them to the hospital, or the supplies to even do basic medical care here.
-How long do they stay?
-How do we keep track of their progress when they decide to leave?
-How will we afford to feed and provide medical care to these women?
-What training does our staff need to provide proper counseling and care?
-How do we turn someone away?
-What are the guidelines for the women we'll accept?
-How do we even decide what cases are "acceptable" here?
-How do we protect them in the long run?
-How do we keep ourselves and this ministry safe once we start this program?
-How do we say no?

And the list can go on, and on, and on!

These questions have been racing through our minds the last two days as we explore this new path for the ministry.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Pray that God would provide the wisdom, knowledge, resources, and provision if this is His will.  If it's not His will, please pray that he would close the door.  Pray that we would have the courage to take this step and explore this area of ministry.  Pray for our hearts and our minds, as nothing can put into words the things we've seen the last two days.  Please pray for us as we try to discern God's will.  If this is the path we are to take, please pray that we will figure out how to put it into action.

I was not prepared.  I'm not prepared.  But God doesn't call the equipped.  

Please pray for this sweet woman.  We don't even know her name because she speaks so softly that no one can understand.  She goes by about four different names at the hospital, but we hope as she continues to gain her voice and confidence that we will come to know her name soon.  In the mean time,  please pray for her.  Pray for her health, quick and complete healing, for her emotional state, that this would not crush her spirit, and that some how some good will come from this. She needs our prayers.

Please pray. For her. For us.  For the women we will soon be serving.

Ps.  Sorry there is no picture of this sweet lady.  I couldn't bring myself to ask for a picture when I saw her yesterday.

My Journey to Haiti: Part Two

It was the summer of my Freshman year (2009), when I took my first trip to Haiti.  Looking back, I took that trip for all the wrong reasons.   I went because my boyfriend at the time was going, I thought it would be fun, my youth pastor convinced me to go, and I enjoyed the positive reaction I got from my family when they heard about the trip.   I went to Haiti thinking I would go for a week, enjoy another mission trip, and come home to live life like normal.

Boy was I wrong!

I may not have gone for the right reasons, my heart and motives may have been completely wrong, but let me tell you:  God used that trip to change my life forever.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  There was a reason he pushed my youth pastor to stay on me about going, and there was a reason He provided the funds for the trip.  His reason wasn't to satisfy my poor motives, it was to make His name, power, love, and Glory shine through me: a life that seemed unusable at the time.  God is pretty incredible like that!  Just look at how he turned Paul's life around!

While on that first trip to Haiti, I had a real slap in the face, knock you to the ground, you've gotta shape up encounter with God.  I was humbled dramatically by the people I met, the circumstances they lived in, and everything we experienced that week.  In Port au Prince, Haiti 2009, standing in the Faith Hope Love Infant Rescue, I understood for the first time, what true unselfish Godly love was supposed to look like.  Listening to Dorothy's testimony I finally understood what undeniable faith looked like. Through that trip, and the weeks following, I realized how messed up my life was.  I realized that I had strayed so far off course from what a Christian should be, and I knew things had to change.

I took small steps at that point, trying to get my life back on track.  The process was not easy, as I was still in that unhealthy relationship and not ready to give it up.  I knew, deep in my heart, my relationship was the biggest barrier standing between me and God.  I tried to "fix" the relationship, and justify those steps, but again, God knew better.  I was so afraid to walk away, paralyzed by the fear of loneliness, that I wouldn't give it up.

So, God intervened.

He gave my boyfriend at the time, enough courage to walk away and end things.  I was so hurt.  Lost.  Dying of sadness inside.  I thought my life had ended.  Little did I know, God would use that time to shape me into the woman I am today.

He knew I needed to be stripped bare of all of my comforts so that the only place left to run was to Him, and that's exactly what I did.   I dug my face into the Bible every night that first year.  I begged, pleaded, and cried to the Lord every night to take the heartache away, and every night he'd put my heart at rest.  God taught me through that painful situation to rely on Him, and Him alone for my needs.  He reminded me of the commitment I had made to him 13 years back.  God got my life, relationships, and journey back on track.  Most importantly, however, through His compassion, forgiveness, and persistence in my life I learned to put my Faith, hope, love, and trust in Him, and Him alone.  If I didn't understand what a relationship with Christ looked like at 6 years old, I most definitely learned in that moment!  I have never doubted my relationship with Christ. I knew I was a believer and that I had been saved, but it wasn't until after that trip to Haiti that I truly, wholeheartedly, 100% gave my life to Christ.  I decided that I couldn't, and wouldn't, ever go back to that place of loneliness, hurt, and insecurity.  I understood just how much I needed Christ, and from that moment on I have tried my very best to maintain a great relationship with Him and follow His calling.


I am not perfect.  I have never been perfect.  I've made some terrible, TERRIBLE, mistakes throughout my life.  Many mistakes I wish I could take back and erase from my past, but I can't.  They shaped me into who I am today.  While I hope 16 year old Allyson, never returns, I have to thank God for using that awful time in my life to shape me into a better person.  God could have left me, but He never gave up, not once!  

Fast forward to 2011.  At this point, I had finally healed from the breakup, mended all of the broken relationships, and had gotten life pretty well back on course.  Obviously,  I wasn't perfect those two years and made mistakes, but I had finally found peace and meaning in my life.  Over the course of those two years, two BIG years in the life of a young person, I had to make a lot of decisions about who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, and how I was going to continue this chapter of my life into adulthood.  I spent countless hours praying and asking God to guide my path.  I asked Him to show me where He'd like me to be.  I prayed that He would use me and my life for His glory, whatever that looked like (that's a big prayer yall!!).  Every time I went searching for God's guidance my mind would turn to Haiti.  My heart longed to go back so badly.  There wasn't a single day that Haiti didn't cross my mind in one way or another.  I knew I had to go back, but had no idea how or when.  I also didn't put it together at first that God was answering my prayer.  He was saying I want you in Haiti; screaming it really.  I honestly thought he would give me a response regarding interior design, and for awhile the thought of any other path in life seemed out of question.  

It wasn't until the summer of 2011, that things really came together.  A mission trip to Ethiopia had fallen through, and Cassie (my best friend) encouraged me to go back to Haiti.  She knew how much I missed it, and how much I had longed to be back.  So, I contacted Dorothy, worked out the details, and Cassie and I headed to Haiti in December of 2011.

I had no clue when I got on the plane December 27, 2011 that my life was about to take a dramatic U-turn and finally fall into place how God planned.  We stayed with and worked at Dorothy's for two weeks during that trip.   My heart fell in love all over again with the people, culture, and Country. So much so, that I knew after our trip that I had to pursue missions in Haiti.  I didn't know what that would look like, or how it would happen, but I knew this beautiful and wonderful place would become a part of my life forever.

I spent the next few months in deep prayer, and time in the Word, looking for answers.  After a few weeks at home, I knew the calling was undeniable.  I knew 100% that I was supposed to move to Haiti and work as a missionary.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew.  But I was terrified.

In March of 2012, Cassie and I were both terribly missing Haiti.  So much, that I could barely make it an hour through a day without thinking about Dorothy, the kids, or Haiti.  We jokingly mentioned going back, and then decided that we really had to go, and started planning.  My roommates, at the time, mentioned an interest in joining me for a trip to Haiti so we opened up the trip to them as well.  Meredith immediately jumped on board, Jodi was having nothing to do with it, and shortly after, Jessica decided to join us!  I was so excited to share this place I had fallen in love with, with three of my best friends.  Even more so, I was super-giddily-excited to board that plane in May.  I couldn't wait to get back, discuss doing missions down there with Dorothy, and see how God was going to use that trip.

To my surprise, I left that trip in May feeling unsure of God's calling, and really questioning if I had heard him right.  Dorothy asked some hard questions and I really had to step back and examine, in great detail, whether God was calling me to Haiti; and if so, what was He calling me to do, and where specifically?

Did I mention I was absolutely, paralyzing-ly, terrified.  I spent many days crying at the thought of moving to Haiti.  There was just no way God would be calling me:  A 21 year old, with a terribly messed up past, to be a missionary.  There was just no way.  I didn't think I could do it.  There was just no way I could move to another Country alone.  I was too scared.

Fear.

A crippling, yet completely irrational, fear, that I let consume me.  In that short time I stepped away from pursuing the move, and decided I was unfit and incapable.  I immersed myself in school work, graduation, and applying for jobs.  I told myself that I had misunderstood God, and that this is where He wanted me, not in Haiti.  

Guess what?  I was wrong --- AGAIN!

For months I applied, applied, and applied some more, for jobs.  I took interview after interview thinking for sure I'd get a position, start working, get my own place, blah, blah blah.  God had other plans though.  He knew exactly where He wanted me, and that was not here in Durham, NC.  He wanted me in Haiti!! After multiple declined positions, and conversations with close friends, I realized that God was telling me this was not my path.  He knew if I got offered a job, that I would take it and get off track again.  God knew that I'd eventually come around, and realize that once again I'd stepped off course and needed to get back on track.

And, that's what I did.

I finally surrendered (again), and said "Ok God, I give up trying to maintain control of my life.  I know this is not where you want me, so please take the reigns and steer me in the right path."  I prayed,  "I'm ready Lord.  Help me to overcome my fears so that I can do the great work you have planned.  I'll go wherever you send me."

And well, you guessed it...He sent me back to Haiti!

During the summer of 2012, The opportunity for a third trip opened up.  I jumped at the opportunity, knowing this would be the trip to change everything.  This would be the trip where I finally took steps to overcome my fears, and truly follow God's calling for me to move to Haiti.

I had no idea just how BIG this trip would be!! I had no clue that God was going to bless my life in ways I never saw coming, before I even stepped foot back onto Haitian soil.  I knew God wanted me in Haiti, but the things he has done over the last few months have blown my mind while reassuring me, and my family, that this is most definitely the path I'm supposed to take.

Stay tuned, the best part is coming!

My Journey to Haiti: Part One

I've started, stopped, re-started, and deleted this post multiple times.  I can't seem to find the right words to do justice to this story.  To give enough praise and honor to God, who has orchestrated it all.  It's such a large story that I feel too small to write.

However, it is my story.  It's the story God has taken me through and continues to write.  It is my job to follow God's call, and share all of the spectacular things He has done in my life.  The whole point of this blog was to encourage, challenge, and inspire others through my story, and I know if I don't share the most important story of my life with you I would do more harm than good.  While I am not proud of all the steps that it took to get me to this point, they were all crucial and equally important.  God uses those hard, painful, and even shameful moments in our lives to shape and mold us into the people He wants us to be.  While I don't enjoy sharing my sinful moments, I know that God can use my story to mold other people, so I must be faithful in sharing the good, bad, and all the in between moments up to this point.

So here goes...Let me give you a little background of how I came to know the Lord, because lets be honest:  I wouldn't be here today, sharing my story, if that had never happened :)

When I was six years old, a close friend of mine shared the ABC's to becoming a Christian with me.  (A- Admit that you're a sinner and acknowledge that you need Christ to forgive you,  B- Believe that Jesus is God's son and he came to Earth to pay the penalty for your sins by dying on the cross, and C- Confess that Jesus is Lord and commit your life to Him.)  My friend had just finished VBS at her church, and was so excited to share this with me.

Now, I grew up in a loving Christian family who always took me to church.  Our family was there, no questions asked, every Sunday Morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.  I was no stranger to the ABC's, but in that moment I finally got excited about it.  I remember jumping off the swings in our backyard, and running inside to tell my mom about my decision.  We met with our Pastor, and I got baptized shortly after. I remember how excited my family and friends were. I remember another close friend of mine getting saved around the same time, and the thought of being baptized together was so exciting for me.

Needless to say, I had a 6 year-old's mentality of what it meant to be a follower of Christ.  It's honestly hard for me to say if in that moment I truly understood how huge the commitment, I was making, really was.  I know my family and pastor would not have let me get baptized if they didn't believe I truly understood, but I genuinely don't remember what I knew at that age.

I do, however, know that from that moment on I looked at myself as a Christian.  I remember always making it a point to tell my friends about my beliefs.  I loved being "the Christian girl" in my group of friends.  It was something I took pride in.

And then, high school came.  Oh high school....the four years of my life I regret the most.

High School is when I truly lost myself.  I got in a very unhealthy relationship (which I was completely blind to at the time),  I pushed my parents, family, and friends away in every unthinkable way.  All I cared about then, was myself, and that relationship.  Anything that got in the way was simply unacceptable, and I did whatever possible to remove the hurdle.  I get knots in my stomach just thinking back at all of the horrible things I did and said, to so many people back then, that I truly loved and cared about.  If I could redo anytime in my life, it would be that time.

I am not proud of those years.  I ruined so many relationships, hurt so many people, lost track of all things good and Godly, and totally lost myself along the way.  I had fallen so off course with where I wanted my life to be, that it honestly, felt impossible to repair.

I still claimed to be a Christian during that time, and always made it a point to tell my friends.  I tried to justify my sinful actions, and make excuses to hide them.  I had gotten so far off course from what it meant to be a Christian, that it's a wonder my friends ever believed me when I said I was a Christian.

Luckily, we serve a great God.  One who NEVER gives up on his children, no matter how hard we try to push Him away, and no matter how many times we sin.

It wasn't until college that I finally stepped back and realized how far my life had gotten off course...

Stay tuned for parts 2 & 3.  This story was too big, and too long, for one post :)

God Moments: Wednesday in Haiti

Wednesday was a very emotional and moving day for me.  I knew our plan was to walk the ravine and visit Pastor Cenor's orphanage.  I did not, however, know that God was going to break my heart in more ways than one, push me to consider options I'd never thought of, or encourage me at the end of it all with a good laugh.  God is pretty incredible like that.

Wednesday morning we woke up, had a fabulous breakfast (thank you Donna & Debbie!!) and walked over to Sherrie's place. Sherrie Fausey runs a school/orphanage/feeding program/everything just down the street from Jim's place.  I worked at her place back in 2009, during my first trip to Haiti, but this was the first time in three years that I got the opportunity to spend time with her and see what all she does again.  Sherrie gave us a quick tour of the school (side note: that place is HUGE now!), and then proceeded to walk us up to the roof; her favorite spot.  From her rooftop you get a complete 360 degree view of Port au Prince.  You could see the ocean, the mountains, and everything in between.  It was stunning!

(View of the ocean from Sherrie's roof)

As the team stood around admiring the view, Ken asked Sherrie if she would tell us about how she got started in Haiti.  I knew all about what Sherrie has been doing in Haiti, but I had never heard the story of how she got started.  To fully understand how much her story meant to me, you need to know that just the night before I spent a couple of hours talking with Jim, Debbie, Donna, and Mom about my calling to Haiti.  It was an emotion filled conversation with lots of added encouragement, challenges, and direction (more to come on that soon).  As Sherrie told her story, I felt Jim looking at me, but I also felt God saying "SEE!!  IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU! JUST DO IT!!"  At the end of her story Sherrie said "If you feel like God is calling you to do something but it's scary, and you feel completely inadequate or unable, then He is definitely calling you, so just jump in feet forward!"  She said, "It feels like you're stepping off the side of a cliff and that you're going to fall 1,000 feet, BUT if you're following Gods call then He is walking with you, and will not let you fall."  

And then my heart started racing.  Tears were welling up in my eyes and it was another one of those moments where there is absolutely no denying that God was calling me.  I've had quite a few of those moments over the last few weeks.  They are insanely scary yet the most peace-filled moments you can imagine.  I've written quite a bit about my fears in moving to Haiti; how I feel completely inadequate and question "Are you sure God?? You really want ME?"  After this week, there is no doubt in my mind that He is sure.  He wants me there. He has orchestrated every single tiny detail up to this point to get me to where I am. It's crazy, but I've never felt more at peace about any decision than I do right now.

After Sherrie shared her testimony, she walked us down to the Ravine.  For those of you that do not know about the ravine, it is basically the slums of Haiti.  These people have next to nothing but their little concrete block, one room home, and a tin roof where their entire family lives.  Their houses are situated on the ravine; a river filled with sewage, waste, and everything else.  This water is what the people drink from, bathe in, go to the bathroom in, cook with, wash their clothes in, etc.  Until you see it first hand and experience the poverty yourself, you cannot imagine what these people must go through each day.  

 (Danny crossing the Ravine)

(Mom crossing the Ravine with Jim's help.  He was so graciously willing to step into the trash and parasite ridden water to help us across.  Thank you Jim for your Servant's heart.  You are an inspiration!)

As we walked through (and across) the ravine, I found myself in awe of the people who live there.  With my selfish American spoiled mindset, I found myself thinking these people should be angry, saddened by their conditions, broken even.  But what we found was nothing of the sorts.  Every. Single. Person we passed had a smile on their face.  They greeted us with "Bonswa" and "Alo" around every corner.  Kids ran out from behind their curtained doors to grab our hands and walk with us.  The people came out to help us navigate our way through the maze of a tent city.  They were the most loving and gracious people we encountered all week.  These people who have every reason to be mad at the world, love it in a way that I can't even comprehend.  They are grateful for what they do have.  They never forget the joy a smile can bring.  They jump at the opportunity to hold your hand and express their love to you.

In this realization I found myself feeling guilty for all of the selfish thoughts, actions, and motives I have each day.  I have NOTHING to complain about, yet we as Americans find things daily to groan over.  We are blessed in thousands of ways, yet we are still not content.  I was encouraged and challenged by these people to find contentment.  To love regardless the circumstances. To smile even when things are hard.  To love fully and unconditionally.

(Sherrie talking to a mother about her child)

And then, just when I thought my God moments were over for the day, I was wrong (no surprise there).  After we left Sherrie's Jim told us about this sweet elderly lady that lived down the street from him who was in her final days of battling cancer.  He went into her home to see how she was doing and to ask if we could come in and sing to her.  She was not having a good day, but agreed to have us anyways.  I was not prepared for what lay beyond that door. We walked into a tiny little concrete block home.  It was dark, hot, and just a tiny little fan was blowing.  And then we saw Elizabeth.  

(Elizabeth & Jim. Picture taken from Donna Tyson's blog)

Jim was sitting beside her on the bed.  She had only a sheet on and it was covered in blood from the tumors that had come through the surface of her skin and broken open.  Her right arm was swollen, and her left one was so frail.  She took all of her energy to sit up and greet us.  Mom started us off and we sang hymns to her while she used what little energy she had left to sing along with us.  As we sang How Great Thou Art, my heart was breaking. I will never be able to sing that song again without seeing Elizabeths face or thinking of her (I broke down on Sunday at Grey Stone when they started singing it).  Here was this incredible Christian woman, fighting her way through her last days on this earth.  She was pain ridden, bleeding, frail, and dying yet she still found the strength to praise God.  When we finished singing, Jim asked if someone would like to pray for her.  It was all I could do to not break into an uncontrollable sob, let alone get the words out to pray.  He prayed over her, and at the end said to her, "When you get to Heaven, your pain will end.  You will have a healthy, strong, and cancer free body.  And when we get to meet you in Heaven one day, we will be able to sing those songs together in the same language."  What an incredible picture that was.  How joyous Heaven will be.  I only spent a few short moments with Ms. Elizabeth that day, but she will forever hold a very dear place in my heart. I cannot wait to see her singing, dancing, and praising God one day in Heaven, with her healthy body!

After visiting Elizabeth we headed back to the house, ate some lunch, and then headed out to Pastor Cenor's orphanage.  I've met Pastor Cenor twice now, but had never gotten the opportunity to see his orphanage.  His place and the kids were great.  We all noticed how well behaved and polite all the kids  were.  While the kids ate lunch Pastor Cenor shared his testimony with the team.  

(Pastor Cenor and his wife)

I heard his story back in 2009, but it is an incredible testimony.  He shared about how real and evident demons are in Haiti.  Here in America, we don't face demonic possessions or see their power first hand, but we have our own demons: like technology, pornography, hatred, etc.  The Devil knows just how to get in between us and God, and here in America it clearly doesn't take much.  In Haiti however, they experience evil in a much more head on way.  Pastor Cenor shared about how VooDoo spirits took over his mother, how he escaped from that world, how he came to know Christ, and how he has led many VooDoo priests and followers to Christ over the last few years.  It's an incredible story, that I simply can't do justice to with my own words.   I was encouraged, however, to hear his story and about how big his faith is.  He will do anything the Lord tells him without question.  He's incredible.

Now, I mentioned above that God also spoke to me that day through laughter.  Before we left for the orphanage, Debbie mentioned that we should ask the kids to sing and dance for us.  We had no idea how much fun it would be.  The kids danced and sang their heart out (see link below).  The workers were cracking up with laughter and we ended the day on such a fun note.  It was a beautiful reminder to me that God see us and he knows just what we need.  He is faithful to guide us, direct our paths, push us to new beginnings, expand our comfort zones, and use us for his goodness; but he is also faithful to fill us with joy and a happiness we cannot explain.  He blesses us with those moments where we can sit back, laugh, and enjoy His creation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opJmtfGVnVo

We serve a Mighty God yall.  One who loves us more than we will ever understand.  This was just one day of how God worked this past week.  I'm just getting started so stay tuned.

Haiti God Moments: Dorothy's

As you all know, Dorothy's orphanage holds a very near and dear place in my heart.  I absolutely love her, the work she's doing, and all of the kids.  It warms my heart every time I get to hug Dorothy's neck or bend down and scoop up an armful of her kids.  I love it there.

This time around, however, our trips to Dorothy's were different than the past two trips to Haiti.  Because we were not staying at her place, we did not get to see the kids as much as usual.  While I missed seeing the kids as much, I found staying at Jim & Debbie's allowed me to return more rested and energized.  I was much more open and ready to play with the kids this go round.

It was also really incredible when we pulled up to Dorothy's house the first day.  This was the first time mom got to experience where I had been staying and working over the last year.  As soon as we got out of the car, you could hear the kids screaming "Cassie-Allyson!! Cassie-Allyson!!"  Mom thought it was cool, but I found myself giddy with excitement to go see them.  Cassie and I ended up rushing out to the backyard so we could wrap our arms around the kids.  I completely bypassed the guests in the house, and forgot to show mom, Amy, and Amanda around first.  Those initial moments, seeing the kids for the first time in 7 months, and them screaming with excitement to see us is a feeling you can't describe, you just have to experience.  I eventually went back in the house and introduced mom and met the guests.  One of the ladies inside introduced herself to me and asked my name.  When I said my name was Allyson, she goes "Ooh!! You're the Allyson the kids keep asking for!!"

And my heart melted.

They don't just remember me when I pull in the driveway.  They ask for me by name even when other guests are there.  Cassie put it best when she said in that moment she realized that the kids love us.  We both know how much we love them, and we hope and pray we can make an impact on their lives and provide a loving support to them, but it wasn't until that moment, that we both really understood for the first time that they do truly love us.  We have impacted their life, in a positive way.  They love and miss us just as much as we love and miss them.

Love.  It's such a powerful thing.

I experienced this moment again when it came time to leave Dorothy's on the last day.  I had been dreading saying goodbye to the kids, as it is always hard for me.  This time however, I was holding back tears all morning.  When I went outside to say goodbye, Johnny ran, jumped in my arms, and just hugged me as tight as he could.  When I couldn't put off goodbye any longer, I whispered to him "mwen renmen ou" (I love you in Creole).  His head popped up and he grinned and said I love YOU!

And my heart melted again.

He understood.  Not only did he understand but he responded with the same love.

It was in that moment that I got a glimpse at how big God's love is for us.  I recently read a book called Kisses From Katie, about a young girl who moved to Uganda to do mission work.  Right before we left for Haiti, I watched this clip where she shared about how she understood how massive God's love is through the adoption of her children.  She said that while we are not direct biological children of God, like Jesus is, He still loves us just as much as he loved Jesus.  In that moment, where I found myself loving this child as if he were my own, even though he did not come from my body, I understood how big God's love is.  He loves all of us just as much as he loved his very own son, Jesus.  What an incredible and inspiring love that is.  Katie verbalizes it better in this audio clip:

It never ceases to amaze me at how God shows His love for us.  He did it in so many ways this past week, but when Johnny looked back up at me and said he loved me, it was as if God himself said I love you. Just as you love this little boy, I love you even more.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him." -1 John 3:1 

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." -2 Corinthians 6:18

(Me & Johnny being silly.  January 2013)

What an incredible God we serve!

"Tears in My Heart"

Day two in Haiti has been wonderful.  We got up early and had a delicious casserole and grits for breakfast (we're being spoiled beyond belief).  We headed out to Pastor Cenar's church around 7:30.  At first I didn't recognize his name or the church, but then Jim reminded me that Pastor Cenar is the one who used to run the rooftop church we went to in 2009.  They used to have this great rooftop on the side of a huge mountain where they could use the loud speakers and everyone on the mountainside could hear the service.  It was a really cool experience and such a great witnessing tool.  Unfortunately, that property can't be used since the earthquake, but they have a great location close by.  

Haiti churches are always fun to attend. They worship and sing for over two hours before the message is even brought.  This isn't your traditional hymns, stand around and sing quietly church.  This is a scream, shout, dance, clap, get on your knees, or whatever the Lord puts on your heart kind of church.  They worship in ways you've probably never seen in an American church.  I may not have been able to understand much of the words they sang, but I worshipped right along with them!  Randall got to preach, and it was a great message.

After the service, Pastor Cenar took us around to see the school he's just built on the church property.  While we were in there, he explained the story of three women he had previously asked Randall to pray for during the service.  These women unfortunately are in the difficult and desperate situation of prostitution.  This is not a lifestyle they want or wanted to choose, but it has come down to either selling themselves to feed their family, or having no food.  This story really challenged all of us today.  It puts into perspective how beyond spoiled we are in America.  We may not have the newest phone, car, or nicest clothes, but I'm pretty sure none of you have ever been forced to decide between starving to death or selling your body.  It's a heart-breaking story.  These women want out so bad.  They know their actions are wrong, but what choice do they have?  One woman is basically a slave to the guy paying for her.  If she were to leave him she would be forced to completely uproot her family to a different location in fear of him killing her.  I can’t even imagine being in such a desperate, heart wrenching, painful, and difficult situation.  Pastor Cenar pleaded with us to lift these ladies up in prayer.  He said I have “tears in my heart for them.” I’m pleading the same thing to you tonight.  They want out, but need God to provide a way.  Randall preached today that there is nothing you can do to make God love you more, and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you less.  He loves us all just as we are with a love so strong we can’t explain it.  He said that God loves you no matter what you’ve done.  I think the ladies really needed to hear that message today, and I’m hoping they found some hope through it.  Please keep these ladies in your prayers.  Pray for their safety, guidance, and for a safe way out.  Please also keep the guys they are with in your prayers.  They need to find the Lord just as much as these ladies.  A change in their hearts would do wonders.  It breaks my heart, and while I wish I could do more, we were all reminded today that prayer is such a powerful and wonderful tool that we all have.

The rest of our afternoon was spent pretty much relaxing here at the house.  We had a great lunch (leftovers from last night), most of the team got a nap, and we had time to recuperate and get ready for our bible study at the Phillipino UN.

Jim & Debbie over the last few months have been hosting a weekly bible study with some of the soldiers in at the Phillipino UN.  The soldiers just recently switched out, so everyone there tonight was new. It was an exciting time to see another area of ministry here in Haiti.  As these men and women get to know Jim more over the next few weeks, this ministry will grow and grow.  We also got a good laugh while at the UN because all the soldiers wanted pictures with “just the ladies.”  At one point Amanda, Cassie, and I were trying to get a picture of the three of us and all the men asked to get their picture taken individually with us.  We got a good laugh out of it; It was like we were celebrities.  So if you see 50 new pictures of us on Facebook tagged by a bunch of random guys, you’ll know where they came from!  Ha!

It’s been a really good day.  We had a great dinner, played some bananagrams, phase 10, and have been blessed with power all day! That’s such a blessing! I am BEYOND excited to see Dorothy and the kids tomorrow.  So excited, I hope I can sleep tonight!  I hope you are all having a fabulous week, but I’m sure it simply can’t compare to ours!

More to come tomorrow after I see all my babies and hug their necks!! Have I mentioned I love this place?

Goodnight!

We're Here!

(Amanda and I on the plane to Haiti)

We made it to Haiti!!  I got pretty light headed and almost got sick on the first flight from getting too hot and having nothing to eat, but praise God he got me through the next flight with no problems at all!  Thank you Lord for Dramamine!!

We arrived around 4:30pm and boy was the airport a shock!  They have opened up the newly built area and the only way to describe it is amazing, but not at all expected!! I'm used to having to take a bus over to the airport and baggage area, but it's now all connected, the customs area was so nice, air conditioned, brand new, and get this...THEY HAVE LUGGAGE CONVEYOR BELTS NOW!!  Unless you've experienced the old Haiti airport, this will mean nothing to you, but trust me it is INCREDIBLE!  Luggage used to get piled onto the floor and you had to search through them all for your bags.  To have the nice new conveyor belts was amazing.

However, I must say that I was disappointed for those who have not traveled to Haiti before, because they did not get to experience the full Haitian airport experience.  Even exiting the building was nicer.  Cassie and I kept commenting on how weird it was.  Nice.  So nice.  But weird.

Jim picked us up from the airport in their nice 12 passenger van (air conditioned!) and brought us over to their new place.  This house is amazing yall.  You have no clue. Seriously, those who have never been to Haiti before are getting spoiled beyond belief (they just don't realize it yet, ha!)

Debbie fixed us a wonderful dinner of spaghetti, salad, garlic bread, and sweet tea (yum!).  It was delicious!

Other than that the team hasn't been up to much tonight.  We did a little devotion, tried to plan out the next couple of days, and organized the supplies we brought  (Dorothy is going to be so excited to get all these gifts)! The rest of our night has been spent organizing our luggage, showering, and simply getting settled.

I can already feel God pushing me outside of my comfort zone, and really truly preparing my heart for missions here.  I pray He will open up doors and guide me through it all.  It's going to be an amazing trip and I can't wait for everything to get started.  I especially can't wait to hug and kiss my sweet Johnny and see Dorothy and the rest of the kids.  Please continue to keep our team in your prayers!

I love this place.

Thursday Thoughts: Merry Christmas & Haiti

Wow what an amazing fun-filled two weeks it has been, and the party is still going!!!

We began our Christmas celebrations on December 22nd with dinner and a gift exchange with Erin & Stephen.  On the 23rd we attended Christmas at the DPAC which was A-MA-ZING!!  If you didn't go, you really missed out!  On the 24th we celebrated with my mom's side of the family at Mama Barb's house, where we had some delicious food & cake, lots of fun, and some wonderful gifts!  On the 25th mom, dad, and I celebrated Christmas here at the house.  Mom made her usual HUGE breakfast spread, we opened gifts, and then packed to head to Grandma's.  We spent Christmas night up at Grandma's eating waaaaay too much food, exchanging gifts, reminiscing, laughing like crazy, and enjoy being with family.  We came home on the 26th after a day at Grandma's, went shopping today for final Haiti supplies, and tomorrow will be spent packing.


Whew.  Tired yet?

Well that was just this past week!  On Saturday we leave for Haiti!!!  I am so ready to get on that plane and be there already!  I cannot wait to see what all this trip holds.  It's going to be incredible and I can't wait to see God work!!

Please keep us and the team in your prayers as we prepare for our week in Haiti.  Keep an eye out here on the blog for updates during our trip (as internet allows).  I will try to blog or update facebook every day, so keep reading!!

Haiti here we come!!!!!!

Thursday Thoughts: Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!  

Thanksgiving is one of my all time favorite holidays.  I love the time together with family, the reminder of how blessed we all are, and the food...I mean come on, who doesn't love the food?!?  But seriously, my absolute favorite part is getting to spend time with my family.  Un-rushed, relaxed, one-on-one time with family where our main focus is each other.  It's like Christmas without the presents, which almost makes this holiday better since no stressing over gifts is necessary.  I love the holidays!

How does your family celebrate?

My family always makes it a point to get together and enjoy a ridiculously large amount of food, combined with lots of reminiscent stories, laughing, and hugs.  On Thanksgiving day, we spend time with my mom's side of the family.  The location varies each year, but a pot luck meal is always to be expected.  My favorite items of this meal are the macaroni and cheese (I know, no surprise there) and my great-grandmother's cake (or at least my Aunt Missy's best attempt at it, which is just as good!).   This cake is literally to die for.   It's incredible.

Then on Friday, we head up to my Grandma's and spend the rest of the weekend with my dad's side of the family.  Since they live two hours away, we typically spend the weekend to make the drive and gas go a little further. The best part about this meal is Grandma's stuffing.  I like stuffing, but her's is a-ma-zing! Friday's dinner is also where I can typically be found laughing so hard my sides hurt.  I mean you put Pa, Andy, and the rest of the family in one room together and this is only to be expected (anyone that knows Pa knows what I mean).

I literally love this holiday, too bad it has to come and go so quickly.  However, in true thanksgiving fashion, this post would not be complete without a list of the things I'm thankful for.  So here goes:

I am most thankful for:

• My Savior.  I know I say this a lot, but I can never truly express how grateful I am to have a Lord that loves me so unconditionally that He would send His only son to die for me and you.   I'm so thankful that my Lord is not only unconditionally loving but that he is full of grace, mercy, guidance, forgiveness, and goodness.  I'm thankful that He pushes me every day to be better than I was the day before.  I'm thankful that he never gives up on me.
• My Family. This may seem cliche, but I seriously have the best family ever!  I'm so thankful that they love me unconditionally, support my dreams, push me to grow, and teach me how to be a better person every day.  I am most thankful however, that I am blessed to have a family that taught me to love the Lord and show me the importance of having a relationship with Him. They never give up on me and I can't thank all of them enough for that!
• My Friends. A few years ago I did not have a lot of close friends in my life, due to some very selfish decisions I made.  It wasn't until college that I learned the true importance of friendship and formed some of the best relationships a girl could ever ask for.  I'm so thankful that my friends support me through anything and everything, and that they laugh hysterically with me through it all.  I'm thankful that my friends are always there when I need them.  That they teach me to be more patient, understanding, and loving of all people.  
• Laughter. This may seem silly, but I thank God a LOT for the gift of laughter.  It is by far one of my favorite things in life.  The way it brightens your day, lifts your mood, and is oh so contagious.  You simply can't have a bad moment if it's filled with laughter.
• The simple joys in life. You know, things like a comfortable bed to crawl in each night, food on the table every day, an abundance of clothes in your closet, or the joy of enjoying your favorite items.  And then there's things like the way your heart races when you meet a guy you like, or the comfort found in a hug from a loved one, or for that high you get after a job well done.  There are so many little things in life we take for granted and today I'm reminded to be grateful for them all.
• Second chances. I love the freedom, forgiveness, and sense of hope that comes with second chances.  I've seen this recently in my life and it truly is an incredible blessing.  To give and receive forgiveness and form a stronger relationship from it, is an amazing gift that I am so thankful for.
• Haiti. You all know how much I love Haiti, so it's no surprise that I am thankful for the country, people, and friendships I've formed there.  My only regret is that I cannot wrap my arms around those sweet children in Haiti and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving in person; but I do send my love to them!
• Love. Love is the greatest gift any of us can ever receive or experience. It is the glue that holds this world together, creates bonds, and blesses relationships.  I never ever want to take love for granted, it's a true blessing!
• The unnecessary blessings in life. Like my car, iphone, computer, TV, music, movies, etc.  All of these little things that make life that much more enjoyable can be so easy to overlook.  It's easy to forget that they are blessings, not necessities.  I am thankful that I am able to enjoy all of them, but am reminded that they can be taken away as easily as they were given, and I'm thankful for that.
• Hope & Dreams. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I am a dreamer.  Sometimes the things I dream up can leave me disappointed, but usually they remind me of how powerful a little hope can be.  When things get hard, I'm grateful to have that hope and promise of a future as written in Jeremiah 29:11.  I am thankful that the Lord gives us a hope and that we have everything to look forward to, even when things are really hard.
• My education. I am so thankful to have been born and raised in a world that allows education to be readily accessible.  I'm thankful that my parents pushed me to be more and allowed me the privilege of going to college.  I'm thankful that my education allowed me to explore my hopes and dreams.  I'm thankful for the opportunities that my education has and will continue to bring me. So many people in this world never get the chance to go to school, I am so thankful that I was blessed with the opportunity. 
• Our Freedom. I am so thankful to live in a Country where we are all free. I am beyond thankful for the sacrifice all of those who have or are serving our country give.  I can't thank all of our service men and women enough.  You may our world a better place, thank you!
• My sweet puppy dog. Again, this may sound silly, but I am so thankful for my sweet puppy.  I'm thankful that his cuddles, sweet face, and cuddles can brighten any day.  I love how he lights up when we get home, and always wants to be in the same room as us.  He is a part of our family and I love him oh so much!
• Everything. Literally, there is nothing I'm not thankful for.  My life has been beyond blessed.

Hope you all have an incredible, joy filled Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Memory Lane

I had an incredible weekend!

Honestly, it was one of the best weekends I've had since I graduated.  It was so nice to walk down memory lane as I spent time on High Point's campus with my friends.  As I turned onto campus there was a giant sign that read, Welcome Home.

That's exactly how it felt.  I didn't feel like I was returning as a student, but I felt like it was an extension of my home.  I spent four fabulous years on that campus.  This is the campus where I cried my eyes out and picked myself up after my break up, where I forged the most amazing friendships a girl could ask for, where I spent countless hours in Norton, where I learned to do what I love most.  This is the campus that has truly had a huge impact on shaping me into the woman I am today.  It was a surreal feeling not being a student anymore, but an encouraging and proud moment at the same time.

I felt a sigh of relief when I stepped back into Norton for the first time since graduation.  I was so thrilled to not be one of the students sitting at a CAD computer stressing out over due dates.  At the same time I felt such a sense of pride walking back into those rooms where I once sat.  I remember as a student talking to past graduates and counting down the days until that moment would be mine.  I finally got to experience it, and boy was that a great feeling!! I had made it.  I survived Norton.  Until you've gone through design school, you'll never be able to truly appreciate how I felt, but trust me it's a great feeling!!

It was also so nice to catch up with my friends again.  While I didn't get to see everyone, I got to spend a good amount of time with my roommates from last year.  Goodness have I missed those girls!! We all have such a great relationship. We can sit and talk/laugh for hours and not even realize the time that's gone by.  I so badly miss our long crazy late night chats in room 409, but I got to enjoy a little taste of it again this weekend.  I love them and miss them so very much!

Not only was visiting the school and my friends wonderful, getting to enjoy the area again was great! I had forgotten how much I missed High Point.  To have three major cities within a 30 minute drive, lots of your friends close by, and all your favorite places in one area again, is wonderful!  I even got to go back to the church I attended when I went to High Point.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I have missed that church!!  I forgot how much I loved that place.  I always feel so encouraged yet challenged every time I go.  The community is incredible and I love listening to the pastor.  It's probably the only church I've visited where I feel absolutely at home, one with God, and encouraged/challenged to strengthen my walk with Him every time. I would really, REALLY, love to get a job and move back to High Point.  It's hard to explain, but it's where I really feel like I should be.  Maybe that will all work out.

I am truly blessed.

Happy Monday Y'all!

Happy Birthday Cassie!

Over the past few months I have written and told you all about my best friends.  I have intentionally saved my best friend for last so that I could post this on her birthday (you were not forgotten Cassie!).  You see, Cassie and I have been best friends since 6th grade. However, before that I hated her.  We did not get along in elementary school because of jealousy over a common friend.  I remember vividly hoping that she would not get put on my team in 6th grade.  Of course the first day of class, guess who was on my team? Yep, Cassie!  Little did I know that 6th grade would spark the beginning of the best friendship I've ever had.  She and I have been through so much together over the last 11 years.  We have cried, laughed hysterically, and shared more memories together than I could even begin to share with you on here. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her! I could not have made it this far or be who I am today without her.  Cassie is my best friend and always will be.

For the fun part, in honor of her 22nd birthday, here are my 22 favorite things about Cassie (in no particular order):

1. She loved me despite my out of control curly bangs in middle school (even though she got and still gets some good laughs out of it!)

2. She gave me my first and only black eye.

3. She and I have experienced many animal adventures at the lake.  Like the rat blanket and acorns.

4. She is always up to watch a scary movie with me.  Not only that, but she is the ONLY person I enjoy watching scary movies with.

5.  Not only does she enjoy the really scary movies, but she also shares my love for terrible $5 bin scary movies.

6. She and I share a deep love for Japanese steakhouses.

7. I can't even count how many Phase 10 games we have played over the last 11 years.  Most of which lately she has dominated in!

8. I love our long talks out on the pier at her lake house.  It doesn't matter if it's the summer or winter we always make it down there and spend countless hours talking about anything and everything.

9. We always enjoy laughing at how we laugh.  Sounds silly but it's always hilarious!

10. We met 4 crazy guys at the beach during one of her birthdays and still joke about it to this day.

11. She appreciates black people and their culture more than anyone I know. Actually she just appreciates every culture more than anyone else I know.

12. She and I used to walk to the BP together when we were younger.  Even despite the time we almost possibly got kidnapped.

13. She and I share a hatred for the store Buckle.  It's a nightmare to find clothes in there, even with a gift card.

14. I am always Cassie's go-to shopping buddy.  It is my duty to keep her going despite any frustrations that may occur (mainly over jeans & bras), but most importantly it's my job to put all the clothes back on their hangers lol

15. She and I share a deep love for traveling and have a list of 50 places we must go together.  First on the list is Alaska then the Fiji underwater hotel.

16. She pushed me to follow my heart and go back to Haiti.  For that I will always be grateful! We share a bond most friends never experience through our love for working in Haiti together.

17. I love how because of her I have tried so many new things.  Sometimes we agree that she may have corrupted me lol

18. She is always my voice of reason when it comes to guys.  I almost always sometimes need her to pull be back to reality.

19. I love that she and I know each other so well that we understand what the other person is thinking without saying a word.

20.  I love that we are so opposite when it comes to dating, but I know her so well that I could walk any guy through what she wants/doesn't want when it comes to dating her.  No pink roses please!

21. I love that even though we may fight like sisters sometimes we are both always quick to forgive and forget.

22. I love all of the crazy pictures the two of us took together as kids and all the memories it brings back when I look through our scrapbook.

Cassie thank for being such an amazing friend to me. I know there are times where we don't always see eye to eye but over the years that has only brought us closer together.  I have grown so much because of you.  I've learned to look at the world with a more open mindset and see the beauty in people.  You have taught me to believe in myself and stick to my dreams.  You've coached me through heartbreak, been a shoulder to cry on, cheered with me over success, been my voice of reason, laughed hysterically with me, but most of all you've always been a friend to me even when it was not deserved.  Like I said before, I had no idea what an amazing friendship was going to stem from being on the same team with you in 6th grade.  I had no idea that at 22 we'd still be taking trips to the lake, talking for countless hours, and growing more each day in our friendship.  I honestly don't know how I would have made it without you all of these years.  I can never thank you enough for the love and support you've shown me!  Knowing I can always turn to and depend on you is something I cherish each day.  I cannot wait to see what the next 11 years holds for us!  Love you Cassie! Thank you for being my best friend.  

One of my birthday dinners years ago.

 Before steakhouse dinner Junior year.

 Staff hang out night 2011.

 Steakhouse at HPU 2012.

 In Haiti January 2012.

 Late night hot tub dip at HPU. 2012

Happy Birthday Cassie! Love you!

Stupid Stupid Love

I honestly wish sometimes our brains and hearts weren't hard wired to desire falling in love so badly.  It's one of those things that even at a young age you learn is so important, and you begin dreaming of that special guy, your wedding day, blah blah blah.  Movies, commercials, television shows, music, stories, everything engraves our brains with this picture of the "perfect companion."  The fairy tale dream idea of what love, life, and marriage will look like.  Your prince charming will be tall, dark, handsome, romantic, and perfect in every way. Your marriage will be spotless, and you'll all live happily ever after with two kids in a beautiful home, where everything is just perfect.

Ha. Don't we all wish.

It's really kind of pathetic the way our minds imagine these things.  We all love the sappy romantic stories, the happily ever after endings, and what not, but do those things even exist??  I'm learning the older I get that fairy tales are just that.  Nothing but a made up story of how we wish things could be.

I've watched myself and so many of my friends fall into this lie and fantasy world of what love will be like.  It's one of those things that no matter how hard you try to remind yourself isn't going to happen, the second someone shows you even a glimpse of attention, your heart melts and you begin dreaming again. Why does this happen??  Why do movies and these stories have such a huge impact on the way we think and act.  Why are we teaching our children that perfect people exist, when we all clearly know the only perfect human to ever walk this Earth was Jesus Christ himself.  Why are we taught/teaching that marriages will be this dreamland of paradise, and life will be easy, when we all know that a marriage and life are things you have to work on every. single. day.??

And yet, here I sit still hoping that I'll meet a guy who will sweep me off my feet with his romantic gestures, who will say all the right things and make me feel like I'm the most important woman in the world. I always dream that I'll find that perfect guy, when in reality I know my mental picture of the "perfect" guy probably doesn't exist.  I wish so badly sometimes that I just wouldn't care about falling in love.  But, I can't help it.  I want, more than anything, to find a great guy, fall in love, and live life together.

Then I think back on all of my experiences dating, and I truly begin to question if it'll ever happen.  I'm so sick of being the "girl before."  You know, that girl he dates/talks to before he starts dating THE girl.    The girl that fills time, or leads him to THE girl.  You know what I'm talking about?  That's been me almost every single time, and quite honestly I'm sick of it.  I'm ready to be THE girl, not the one before.

I guess I'll just keep dreaming.  Maybe he does exist, or maybe I'm just stupid enough to believe he does. Either way, as hard as I try, and as frustrated as I get every time a guy disappoints me, my heart still desires and believes that one day it will happen. I think what fuels this belief is that I know of couples that fit into my picture of a perfect couple....so it must be possible. Right?

Stupid love.  Why do you have this power?

Ok I'll stop ranting now.  I just needed to vent.