Heartbreak and a Call to Prayer

The hospital where this sweet woman is being treated.

 

What did you do the last two days?

For me, Wednesday and Thursday were like none other.  I started Wednesday off like any normal day.  I was up around 7am, fixed breakfast, Jeremiah came to look at installing the inverter, Esther came by to clean the house for Emily, and things were just normal; running smoothly and enjoyable.  However, as I was fixing dinner that night, my world was rocked.  I got a call from my good friend Erin Fairbanks, who is now working at Dorothy's.  She had been at the hospital all day with Emmanuella, one of the kids at Dorothy's, who was getting her pre-op done for a feeding tube surgery next week.  While at the hospital, Erin was talking with a friend there who mentioned they had an abused woman in their care and they weren't sure where to send her, or who does that kind of ministry here in Port.  Naturally, Erin thought of us and gave me a call wondering if we could take this lady in.

Here is where it got hard.

Come to find out, an American man who brings teams down regularly always checks on this Haitian lady, takes her food, etc.  While in town this past week, he could not find her.  He began to ask around wondering if she had moved, past away, was sick, etc.  They eventually found her in a cemetery.  Bound with wire, gagged, and with severe injuries.  He immediately took her to the hospital for treatment. When I heard this my heart sank.

Who would do such a thing and why?  Why her?  Who did it?  Was it voodoo, her husband, family? How do we help her?  How do we turn her away?  Can we take her in?  Are we equipped for that yet? What is her state of mind even like?  What type of treatment would she need? How do we help her?!??

I spent all of Wednesday night in tears and on the computer emailing back and forth between Erin, Patricia, Emily, and me.  It broke all of our hearts.  We had to do something but what could we do?  We aren't equipped, trained, or prepared to take women like this in, but how do we turn her away??  There are so few places, if any, here in Haiti to send this woman.  My mind raced all night as I tried to figure out how we could help.

Then Thursday came around.  Erin texted and asked if I'd like to go with them to the hospital and meet this lady.  I said yes, and off we went.  I thought from the conversation we had the night before that I was prepared to see this woman, but boy was I wrong.  We sat and talked with the nurse first to get a better understanding of what happened and the severity of her injuries.

We were informed that they believe she was used in some sort of Voodoo ceremony.  They are unclear of how long she had been there, but from her injuries they concluded it had to have been for some time.  The nurse said her whole body was bound with wire.  Her fingers bound so tight that at the base they were cut to the bone, barely hanging on.  She had a huge open wound on her knee where you could see all the tendons and ligaments.  She said this wound was badly infected with screw worms, like nothing they'd seen before.  To the point that they had to call a vet to figure out how to get rid of them. She also has a hole in her ankle where they believe she has some other type of worm living because you can watch its air bubbles come to the surface (she will need surgery for this soon).  She was infested with maggots, everywhere.  In places you would never want maggots.  She was missing a few fingers, which could have been a previous injury or caused from the wire.  They believe she will lose her leg and need a prosthetic in the near future.  Her injuries are so severe that she will be spending a while in the hospital. The nurse also told us that when she was brought to the hospital and finally cleaned up, they took her to her room.  They said she bent down, smelled the sheets (noticing they were clean), smiled the biggest smile they've ever seen, and then laid down and fell right asleep.  The nurse said you could tell it was the first time she had felt safe in a long time.

I was not prepared. Not even close.

It took all I had to not burst into tears when I met this woman face to face.  I couldn't think of anything to say.  I asked how she was doing and told the nurse that we would figure out some way to help.  I wasn't sure what that would look like, but we WOULD help!

As we left, my heart broke in two. Who could do such a thing to this woman?  Why is this world so cruel? How on Earth are we going to help?

Needless to say, she needs your prayers and we need your prayers!!  This is not the first time we've been asked to take someone in.  There simply aren't enough ministries here serving these types of cases.  While our original plan was to not house women, as this question keeps arising we are becoming increasingly aware that this may just be the path God wants our ministry to go. Unfortunately, we are not equipped to take this sweet woman in, but we are beginning the process of looking into this as an option in the future.

Unfortunately, saying yes is not as easy as it sounds.  While our hearts scream ABSOLUTELY we'll take her, our minds are reminded of how big of a committment that is.  As soon as we take the first woman in, we will open our gates to a revolving door of these cases.  We will get knocks and calls all the time.  That then forces us to face and prepare for these questions:

-Who do we take in?
-Who do we turn away?
-How many women can we house?
-What services can we provide?
-What if they need medical care?  We don't have a nurse here, transportation to take them to the hospital, or the supplies to even do basic medical care here.
-How long do they stay?
-How do we keep track of their progress when they decide to leave?
-How will we afford to feed and provide medical care to these women?
-What training does our staff need to provide proper counseling and care?
-How do we turn someone away?
-What are the guidelines for the women we'll accept?
-How do we even decide what cases are "acceptable" here?
-How do we protect them in the long run?
-How do we keep ourselves and this ministry safe once we start this program?
-How do we say no?

And the list can go on, and on, and on!

These questions have been racing through our minds the last two days as we explore this new path for the ministry.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Pray that God would provide the wisdom, knowledge, resources, and provision if this is His will.  If it's not His will, please pray that he would close the door.  Pray that we would have the courage to take this step and explore this area of ministry.  Pray for our hearts and our minds, as nothing can put into words the things we've seen the last two days.  Please pray for us as we try to discern God's will.  If this is the path we are to take, please pray that we will figure out how to put it into action.

I was not prepared.  I'm not prepared.  But God doesn't call the equipped.  

Please pray for this sweet woman.  We don't even know her name because she speaks so softly that no one can understand.  She goes by about four different names at the hospital, but we hope as she continues to gain her voice and confidence that we will come to know her name soon.  In the mean time,  please pray for her.  Pray for her health, quick and complete healing, for her emotional state, that this would not crush her spirit, and that some how some good will come from this. She needs our prayers.

Please pray. For her. For us.  For the women we will soon be serving.

Ps.  Sorry there is no picture of this sweet lady.  I couldn't bring myself to ask for a picture when I saw her yesterday.

Mind Fog

As I sit awake tonight, my mind seems to be endlessly wandering again.  It's 4am and I cannot seem to fall asleep.  I thought maybe writing a blog post would help, but the right words just aren't coming to mind.  My thoughts have been all over the place tonight, but one verse keeps sticking out in my memory.

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

I read that passage in my bible study the other night, and it has glued itself to my memory ever since.  I can study some verses for days and still not be able to recite it back word for word.  This one however, I read once and it stuck.  I'm guessing that's because it was what I needed, and still need, to hear.

Be strong & courageous.
Do not be afraid.
God is with you wherever you go.

Three statements that have been my strength this week.   I don't really know how to verbalize my emotional state or train of thought over everything, but this verse seems to sum it up, or at least put my mind at rest.

Hopefully it will bring you some encouragement today as well.

Now off to bed for me.

Weekend Recap

What an amazing weekend this has been!!

My weekend started off with a trip to High Point to spend Valentine's Day with my old roommate, Jessica Rose.  Neither of us had plans, so we decided to get dinner, see Safe Haven, and catch up.  I haven't seen her since October and have really missed hanging out with her every day!  I forget how long the two of us can sit and talk, without ever running out of things to talk about.  We sat on her bed for like three hours catching up.  It was SO nice to spend some time with her.  I couldn't have asked for a better valentine's day lol!

I also spent Friday and Saturday with Grey Stone's youth helping out at Metamorphosis.  A few weeks ago, I was asked to be a small group leader for our church's Metamorphosis Weekend.  I said yes immediately, because I have always LOVED Metamorphosis (formally known as D-Now).   When I was in the youth, this was an event I always looked forward to.  I loved having college aged group leaders come in and teach us, I loved the scavenger hunts, and how it always seemed to make our youth group grow closer together.  I still remember the small group leaders who taught me and how much of a difference they made in my walk with Christ.  I was SO excited to, again, get the opportunity to have that kind of impact on a young person's walk.

Our theme this past weekend was Upside Down.  We taught the students how Christ came and turned this world upside down.   How he changed our world forever, and how it was our job to continue that cycle.  We went through a study teaching students how they can turn our current world upside down and that the change must start with them.  It was so cool to watch God work in their lives!  This was the first D-Now event, that I've helped with, where the students genuinely seemed to want to know more about Christ.  Almost every student really wanted to be there, not to socialize with their friends (even though that was a perk), but to learn and grow in their own walk. 

I led the High School Girls with Sheena & Lauren.  The three of us leaders hit it off right away and really clicked on our teaching methods.  We met before each lesson to make sure we had a plan and were all on the same page.  I loved getting to hear their thoughts on how they interpreted the message and then getting to add my own thoughts into the mix.  What would have been a great bible lesson with just one of us teaching, turned into an AMAZING time for the girls to learn.

Our girls asked some very difficult questions, and pushed us leaders to not simply teach the lesson provided, but to truly teach them about every area of Christ.  I was genuinely blown away by their willingness and eagerness to learn.  I think we all made some great connections this weekend, and I truly hope and pray something we said will stick with these girls forever. 

We challenged each of our High School girls to find one thing that stuck out from the weekend, more than the rest, and to really take the time to explore it further and help it grow in their life.   I also loved that one of the lessons challenged us leaders to ask every student where they wanted their walk with Christ to go, and how they planned to get there.  Hearing these girls' dreams and steps they planned to take was so encouraging.  We have some GREAT leaders that are about to turn this world upside down!  I just ask that you would all join me in continuing to pray for the students who participated this weekend.  That they would no longer be comfortable living how they currently are, but that they would have the courage and boldness to turn this world, their world, upside down for Christ!

Today, and over the course of the weekend, God has truly blessed me by letting me see some of his plans for my life come together!  As you all know, I'll be moving to Haiti sometime in the next year.  When I told everyone that, I still had a lot of unanswered questions, and still do.  However, the opportunity to go to Haiti in April has opened up, where I'll get to meet Amber and really try to get some plans put into action.  She and I have been talking about living together, and will be looking into apartments/housing options during that week.  We are also going to work on getting that building, or at least getting an idea of how much money we'll need to raise for it.  I know God has HUGE plans for this trip, and I am so excited to meet Amber, work with her, and watch His plans unfold!

I posted a note on facebook last week, asking 5-10 small groups/Sunday School classes/churches/ businesses/etc if they would be willing to sponsor $100-$200 for this trip.  I've already got some people on board (a pampered chef party, a parent's night out event with camp, and some Sunday School classes donating) and have been so blessed to watch God take care of the financial needs.

God is absolutely amazing, and blows my mind away EVERY day with his love, guidance, provision, and grace!!  Please continue to keep this journey in your prayers!!

Haiti here I come (again)!!!!!!!!!

My Journey to Haiti: Part Three

These last couple of months have been filled with the most eye-opening and amazing moments, all of which have been orchestrated by God!

Let me give you a little bit of background that I left out of part two.  Once I hit that moment of realizing that God wanted me in Haiti and I had to give him control and join the ride, fears/worries of different kinds started creeping in my mind.  You see, I graduated college last year in May, and I knew my loans would be entering into repayment VERY soon.  Most college graduates have 6 months after their graduation date before that repayment period begins.  Around the time all of this realization took place, I was about 3-4 months away from having to make large loan payments.  I went into the loans websites to get an idea of how much I would be looking at paying each month.  I have 3 loans, through 2 different organizations, and came to the understanding that I would be paying around $350/month starting December 2012.

Yikes!! That's all I could think.

At this point, I had no job, no prospect of a job, was contemplating moving to a fifth-world Country, and honestly had no clue how those payments were going to take place.  Honestly, I panicked.  I thought there was no way I could ask people to support me each month to live in Haiti AND ask them to send enough to make those payments.  I just didn't feel right asking people to do that, nor did I think there was any way people could do that.  I reached a point where I figured my only option would be to find a job, work for a year or so, and save up enough money to make those payments before I could move to Haiti.

To say I was bummed and feeling discouraged was an understatement.  The job search had yielded absolutely NOTHING, I didn't have a peace about working in design any longer, and truthfully felt like I had run into a brick wall that I couldn't find a way around.  I kept praying and asking God to show me a solution to this problem.  I know God is bigger than any financial hurdle, and I simply had to trust that he would take care of it.  Until then,  I had to keep looking for jobs and going about life.

During this whole ordeal, our team was preparing for our upcoming (my fourth) trip to Haiti (Dec. 2012).  We were raising the funds, gathering supplies, planning our week, and getting really excited for the upcoming adventure.  I prayed constantly that the Lord would use our team in ways we hadn't even thought of.  That He would go ahead of us and prepare the hearts of those we were going to see, as well as prepare us for the journey.  I prayed that He would use this trip to make my calling clearer, and give me a better understanding of his plans for me in Haiti.  I prayed every way possible over our trip.  I knew God had big plans and I was so anxious to see how they would all unfold.

About a month before our trip, I attended the Missions Committee meeting at Grey Stone.  I spoke with Randall that night, and he really pushed me to make the move, step out in faith, and wanted to know when I was going.  I jokingly laughed and brushed it off, knowing that I was still afraid and genuinely had no idea when or even if things would ever get to that point.  It wasn't until I was on the way home that it hit me...

God had taken care of my financial hurdle.

A week prior, I received a letter in the mail letting me know my first loan payment was due.  That payment was through CFNC, on one loan, and was a $50 payment.  When I went online to make the payment, I realized I hadn't heard anything from my other loan company.  I went on their website and realized that they had my loan listed as not going into repayment until 2015.

2015!!!!

I didn't realize it at first, but on the car ride home that night I broke into tears over the realization that God had just cleared the path.  He had given me a 2 year window where I could go to Haiti and not have to worry about paying the  $300/month.  This may seem so silly to some of you, but in that moment I felt more blessed than ever before.  I've heard of this kind of thing happening to people who are faithful with their giving, but I had never experienced anything this big before. 

So let me recap:
I have no full-time job holding me back.
I no longer have to worry about a $300/month payment.
I am single and don't have a family that needs me here.

There was no longer any reason that I couldn't go to Haiti.  Nothing at all was standing in my path.  I had to go!!  I had to; and this was the absolute perfect time!!

I loaded that plane with our team on December 28, 2012 knowing deep in my heart that this was not a trip where I was just visiting.  I was no longer going simply to love on the people of Haiti and visit old friends.  For the first time, I was going to make plans for a full-time move down there!  The best part, was that we were staying with Jim & Debbie Hambrick, who took me on my first trip to Haiti.  It was so fitting that the people who helped me fall in love with Haiti would be the ones who helped me move there full-time.

If you read my blog posts (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) after we got back, then you know how incredible the trip turned out to be.  God worked in my heart in ways I hadn't even imagined.  He opened up some doors, reaffirmed once again that Haiti would be my home very soon, and created some lasting friendships.  After talking with Jim, Debbie, and Donna that night, there was no longer any question or fear in my mind.  Even though some hard questions were asked, and I knew the journey would not be easy, I finally felt 1000% at peace about everything.  My heart was fully in love with Haiti, and I finally announced to my family and everyone else that I was moving to Haiti!!!!

Through this whole process I have come to realize just how amazing God is.  He orchestrated all of this from the time I was born, and will continue to work in my life until my time on earth is finished.  I have come to appreciate my relationship with the Lord so much more than ever before over the last few years.  Even though so many thoughts, decisions, and actions deemed me unworthy of this relationship, I am so grateful to serve the Lord who forgives ALL sins and loves us anyways.  I am so thankful that He never gave up on me and has loved me unconditionally through every stage of life. 

I've learned that no hurdle is too big for God.  If it's His will, He will see that it comes to pass.  I've learned to relinquish my fears, worries, and concerns and trust that God is bigger than anything I could ever come across. I've learned that God uses our weak moments in life to shine just how big his Glory is.

If he can use me: a 22 year old girl with a messed up past, then he can use you too!  I never in a million years would have guessed this is where my life would take me, but I am so glad this is where I'm going.  I know this story is still being written, and that it's still in its early chapters, but if God has done this much already, I can't wait to see how the rest unfolds!!

Please keep me in your prayers as I take each step in Faith.  Please keep this journey, wherever it may take me, in your prayers.

I say this a lot, but we genuinely serve an AMAZING God yall!!  If you are reading this and have never given your life to Christ, or are on the fence, take it from me:  jump in with all you've got!!  You will never, EVER, regret it!!  If you have questions, or would like to know how to give your life to Christ, please ask!! I would be honored to share that with you!

So here we go!  Part four is just beginning.  I can't wait to see what God is going to do!

My Journey to Haiti: Part Two

It was the summer of my Freshman year (2009), when I took my first trip to Haiti.  Looking back, I took that trip for all the wrong reasons.   I went because my boyfriend at the time was going, I thought it would be fun, my youth pastor convinced me to go, and I enjoyed the positive reaction I got from my family when they heard about the trip.   I went to Haiti thinking I would go for a week, enjoy another mission trip, and come home to live life like normal.

Boy was I wrong!

I may not have gone for the right reasons, my heart and motives may have been completely wrong, but let me tell you:  God used that trip to change my life forever.  He knew exactly what he was doing.  There was a reason he pushed my youth pastor to stay on me about going, and there was a reason He provided the funds for the trip.  His reason wasn't to satisfy my poor motives, it was to make His name, power, love, and Glory shine through me: a life that seemed unusable at the time.  God is pretty incredible like that!  Just look at how he turned Paul's life around!

While on that first trip to Haiti, I had a real slap in the face, knock you to the ground, you've gotta shape up encounter with God.  I was humbled dramatically by the people I met, the circumstances they lived in, and everything we experienced that week.  In Port au Prince, Haiti 2009, standing in the Faith Hope Love Infant Rescue, I understood for the first time, what true unselfish Godly love was supposed to look like.  Listening to Dorothy's testimony I finally understood what undeniable faith looked like. Through that trip, and the weeks following, I realized how messed up my life was.  I realized that I had strayed so far off course from what a Christian should be, and I knew things had to change.

I took small steps at that point, trying to get my life back on track.  The process was not easy, as I was still in that unhealthy relationship and not ready to give it up.  I knew, deep in my heart, my relationship was the biggest barrier standing between me and God.  I tried to "fix" the relationship, and justify those steps, but again, God knew better.  I was so afraid to walk away, paralyzed by the fear of loneliness, that I wouldn't give it up.

So, God intervened.

He gave my boyfriend at the time, enough courage to walk away and end things.  I was so hurt.  Lost.  Dying of sadness inside.  I thought my life had ended.  Little did I know, God would use that time to shape me into the woman I am today.

He knew I needed to be stripped bare of all of my comforts so that the only place left to run was to Him, and that's exactly what I did.   I dug my face into the Bible every night that first year.  I begged, pleaded, and cried to the Lord every night to take the heartache away, and every night he'd put my heart at rest.  God taught me through that painful situation to rely on Him, and Him alone for my needs.  He reminded me of the commitment I had made to him 13 years back.  God got my life, relationships, and journey back on track.  Most importantly, however, through His compassion, forgiveness, and persistence in my life I learned to put my Faith, hope, love, and trust in Him, and Him alone.  If I didn't understand what a relationship with Christ looked like at 6 years old, I most definitely learned in that moment!  I have never doubted my relationship with Christ. I knew I was a believer and that I had been saved, but it wasn't until after that trip to Haiti that I truly, wholeheartedly, 100% gave my life to Christ.  I decided that I couldn't, and wouldn't, ever go back to that place of loneliness, hurt, and insecurity.  I understood just how much I needed Christ, and from that moment on I have tried my very best to maintain a great relationship with Him and follow His calling.


I am not perfect.  I have never been perfect.  I've made some terrible, TERRIBLE, mistakes throughout my life.  Many mistakes I wish I could take back and erase from my past, but I can't.  They shaped me into who I am today.  While I hope 16 year old Allyson, never returns, I have to thank God for using that awful time in my life to shape me into a better person.  God could have left me, but He never gave up, not once!  

Fast forward to 2011.  At this point, I had finally healed from the breakup, mended all of the broken relationships, and had gotten life pretty well back on course.  Obviously,  I wasn't perfect those two years and made mistakes, but I had finally found peace and meaning in my life.  Over the course of those two years, two BIG years in the life of a young person, I had to make a lot of decisions about who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, and how I was going to continue this chapter of my life into adulthood.  I spent countless hours praying and asking God to guide my path.  I asked Him to show me where He'd like me to be.  I prayed that He would use me and my life for His glory, whatever that looked like (that's a big prayer yall!!).  Every time I went searching for God's guidance my mind would turn to Haiti.  My heart longed to go back so badly.  There wasn't a single day that Haiti didn't cross my mind in one way or another.  I knew I had to go back, but had no idea how or when.  I also didn't put it together at first that God was answering my prayer.  He was saying I want you in Haiti; screaming it really.  I honestly thought he would give me a response regarding interior design, and for awhile the thought of any other path in life seemed out of question.  

It wasn't until the summer of 2011, that things really came together.  A mission trip to Ethiopia had fallen through, and Cassie (my best friend) encouraged me to go back to Haiti.  She knew how much I missed it, and how much I had longed to be back.  So, I contacted Dorothy, worked out the details, and Cassie and I headed to Haiti in December of 2011.

I had no clue when I got on the plane December 27, 2011 that my life was about to take a dramatic U-turn and finally fall into place how God planned.  We stayed with and worked at Dorothy's for two weeks during that trip.   My heart fell in love all over again with the people, culture, and Country. So much so, that I knew after our trip that I had to pursue missions in Haiti.  I didn't know what that would look like, or how it would happen, but I knew this beautiful and wonderful place would become a part of my life forever.

I spent the next few months in deep prayer, and time in the Word, looking for answers.  After a few weeks at home, I knew the calling was undeniable.  I knew 100% that I was supposed to move to Haiti and work as a missionary.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew.  But I was terrified.

In March of 2012, Cassie and I were both terribly missing Haiti.  So much, that I could barely make it an hour through a day without thinking about Dorothy, the kids, or Haiti.  We jokingly mentioned going back, and then decided that we really had to go, and started planning.  My roommates, at the time, mentioned an interest in joining me for a trip to Haiti so we opened up the trip to them as well.  Meredith immediately jumped on board, Jodi was having nothing to do with it, and shortly after, Jessica decided to join us!  I was so excited to share this place I had fallen in love with, with three of my best friends.  Even more so, I was super-giddily-excited to board that plane in May.  I couldn't wait to get back, discuss doing missions down there with Dorothy, and see how God was going to use that trip.

To my surprise, I left that trip in May feeling unsure of God's calling, and really questioning if I had heard him right.  Dorothy asked some hard questions and I really had to step back and examine, in great detail, whether God was calling me to Haiti; and if so, what was He calling me to do, and where specifically?

Did I mention I was absolutely, paralyzing-ly, terrified.  I spent many days crying at the thought of moving to Haiti.  There was just no way God would be calling me:  A 21 year old, with a terribly messed up past, to be a missionary.  There was just no way.  I didn't think I could do it.  There was just no way I could move to another Country alone.  I was too scared.

Fear.

A crippling, yet completely irrational, fear, that I let consume me.  In that short time I stepped away from pursuing the move, and decided I was unfit and incapable.  I immersed myself in school work, graduation, and applying for jobs.  I told myself that I had misunderstood God, and that this is where He wanted me, not in Haiti.  

Guess what?  I was wrong --- AGAIN!

For months I applied, applied, and applied some more, for jobs.  I took interview after interview thinking for sure I'd get a position, start working, get my own place, blah, blah blah.  God had other plans though.  He knew exactly where He wanted me, and that was not here in Durham, NC.  He wanted me in Haiti!! After multiple declined positions, and conversations with close friends, I realized that God was telling me this was not my path.  He knew if I got offered a job, that I would take it and get off track again.  God knew that I'd eventually come around, and realize that once again I'd stepped off course and needed to get back on track.

And, that's what I did.

I finally surrendered (again), and said "Ok God, I give up trying to maintain control of my life.  I know this is not where you want me, so please take the reigns and steer me in the right path."  I prayed,  "I'm ready Lord.  Help me to overcome my fears so that I can do the great work you have planned.  I'll go wherever you send me."

And well, you guessed it...He sent me back to Haiti!

During the summer of 2012, The opportunity for a third trip opened up.  I jumped at the opportunity, knowing this would be the trip to change everything.  This would be the trip where I finally took steps to overcome my fears, and truly follow God's calling for me to move to Haiti.

I had no idea just how BIG this trip would be!! I had no clue that God was going to bless my life in ways I never saw coming, before I even stepped foot back onto Haitian soil.  I knew God wanted me in Haiti, but the things he has done over the last few months have blown my mind while reassuring me, and my family, that this is most definitely the path I'm supposed to take.

Stay tuned, the best part is coming!

My Journey to Haiti: Part One

I've started, stopped, re-started, and deleted this post multiple times.  I can't seem to find the right words to do justice to this story.  To give enough praise and honor to God, who has orchestrated it all.  It's such a large story that I feel too small to write.

However, it is my story.  It's the story God has taken me through and continues to write.  It is my job to follow God's call, and share all of the spectacular things He has done in my life.  The whole point of this blog was to encourage, challenge, and inspire others through my story, and I know if I don't share the most important story of my life with you I would do more harm than good.  While I am not proud of all the steps that it took to get me to this point, they were all crucial and equally important.  God uses those hard, painful, and even shameful moments in our lives to shape and mold us into the people He wants us to be.  While I don't enjoy sharing my sinful moments, I know that God can use my story to mold other people, so I must be faithful in sharing the good, bad, and all the in between moments up to this point.

So here goes...Let me give you a little background of how I came to know the Lord, because lets be honest:  I wouldn't be here today, sharing my story, if that had never happened :)

When I was six years old, a close friend of mine shared the ABC's to becoming a Christian with me.  (A- Admit that you're a sinner and acknowledge that you need Christ to forgive you,  B- Believe that Jesus is God's son and he came to Earth to pay the penalty for your sins by dying on the cross, and C- Confess that Jesus is Lord and commit your life to Him.)  My friend had just finished VBS at her church, and was so excited to share this with me.

Now, I grew up in a loving Christian family who always took me to church.  Our family was there, no questions asked, every Sunday Morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night.  I was no stranger to the ABC's, but in that moment I finally got excited about it.  I remember jumping off the swings in our backyard, and running inside to tell my mom about my decision.  We met with our Pastor, and I got baptized shortly after. I remember how excited my family and friends were. I remember another close friend of mine getting saved around the same time, and the thought of being baptized together was so exciting for me.

Needless to say, I had a 6 year-old's mentality of what it meant to be a follower of Christ.  It's honestly hard for me to say if in that moment I truly understood how huge the commitment, I was making, really was.  I know my family and pastor would not have let me get baptized if they didn't believe I truly understood, but I genuinely don't remember what I knew at that age.

I do, however, know that from that moment on I looked at myself as a Christian.  I remember always making it a point to tell my friends about my beliefs.  I loved being "the Christian girl" in my group of friends.  It was something I took pride in.

And then, high school came.  Oh high school....the four years of my life I regret the most.

High School is when I truly lost myself.  I got in a very unhealthy relationship (which I was completely blind to at the time),  I pushed my parents, family, and friends away in every unthinkable way.  All I cared about then, was myself, and that relationship.  Anything that got in the way was simply unacceptable, and I did whatever possible to remove the hurdle.  I get knots in my stomach just thinking back at all of the horrible things I did and said, to so many people back then, that I truly loved and cared about.  If I could redo anytime in my life, it would be that time.

I am not proud of those years.  I ruined so many relationships, hurt so many people, lost track of all things good and Godly, and totally lost myself along the way.  I had fallen so off course with where I wanted my life to be, that it honestly, felt impossible to repair.

I still claimed to be a Christian during that time, and always made it a point to tell my friends.  I tried to justify my sinful actions, and make excuses to hide them.  I had gotten so far off course from what it meant to be a Christian, that it's a wonder my friends ever believed me when I said I was a Christian.

Luckily, we serve a great God.  One who NEVER gives up on his children, no matter how hard we try to push Him away, and no matter how many times we sin.

It wasn't until college that I finally stepped back and realized how far my life had gotten off course...

Stay tuned for parts 2 & 3.  This story was too big, and too long, for one post :)

Escaping the Limbo: I'm Moving to Haiti!

My biggest God moment of the entire week in Haiti was Tuesday night when I sat down with mom, Donna, Jim, & Debbie to discuss how I felt called to Haiti.  The conversation started with just mom, Donna, & I over a game of Rummikub.  I don't really remember how it got started, but I vividly remember how it went and how it ended (lots of tears, excitement, expressing of fears,  overcoming those fears, and lots of encouragement through it all).

Donna (Jim's sister) is a motivational speaker, and is now working with Jim Debbie at their House of Hope in Haiti.  To say that she has a way with words is an understatement.  She asked me some very difficult questions and really pushed me to get out of the limbo of not knowing.  When she and I started talking, I was in a place of maybes, what if's, and I don't knows.  I wasn't 100% sure of God's calling or if I was able to do what He was asking.  I knew God had been laying some pretty big stepping stones up to this point, but I felt like I had run into a wall.  I was questioning where I'd work in Haiti, where I'd live, what I'd be doing, how I'd raise the money, etc.

It wasn't that I didn't want to go, I just felt like the journey had come to a stand still, and I wasn't sure how to get it moving again.  I was also still in a place of exploring working as a designer here in the States, and trying to mesh the two together somehow.

Basically I was full of excuses.

Donna put it bluntly (which I most definitely needed!!) that if I were raising these questions about anything else in life, I would go get on the web or begin getting connections to answer these questions.

Duh Allyson!!

I had let my fears, and overwhelming amounts of questions paralyze me.  Instead of taking steps forward I just froze and stopped trusting that God would show me the way.  Donna pushed me to let go of the "I don't knows"  & "I don't cares" and to begin taking steps forward.  She, Jim, & Debbie all encouraged me by saying, that once I began taking steps forward to follow God's call, whatever they may be,  that the ball would begin moving again and it would all fall in place.

So, here I am now saying to you all that I am no longer pursuing a career in design, I am no longer letting the fears or questions paralyze me, and I'm taking the first step forward by announcing this:

I'm moving to Haiti to do full-time Missions!!!

I still do not know when I'll leave, where I'll be working, where I'll be living, or how much financial support I'll need to raise, but the move is going to happen!  My hope is that I'll be down there by the end of the year.  I've already started talking to some contacts Jim, Debbie, & Donna gave me about possible opportunities.  Nothing has been decided yet, as there are a lot of details that need to be figured out first.  I'm pleading with you to cover this journey in prayers.  The power of prayer is a POWERFUL tool that we all have access to.  I would be so appreciative if you could remember me each day as you pray.

One specific prayer I'd like to ask you to lift up is for Amber Hasson & the ministry she is trying to start in Haiti (Amber is one of the contacts Donna gave me).  She is trying to start a trade school for young men & women in the Ravine (see previous post).  From what I understand, she is hoping the school will provide them with access to education learning basic skills that can assist them in getting jobs.  She is also hoping to provide a daycare area for parents, so they can work without having to leave their little ones at home alone.  I haven't heard the full expanse of her dreams for this place, but what I do know is right now she is in her own place of waiting.  There is a building right by the Ravine that she is hoping to buy and fix up to run this trade school in.  She is in the process of trying to figure out if it is for sale, if so how much, and if it is something she could afford.  As I spoke to her about the possibility of teaming up with her in this journey, she seemed excited, but explained that nothing can move forward until the building is purchased.  She asked that I pray with her over this, so I am asking you all to do the same.  If it is God's will that this building become a place for his work, I know it will come to pass.  Here is the building she is hoping to buy:

Please join me in covering Amber, this building, and her mission/dreams in prayer!

I don't know yet if this is where God will have me work, but it would be an honor and a joy to partner with Amber.  Until then, I will do my part, and that is to pray and support her.


As for some other steps I am beginning to take in following God's call:  
-I'm planning to start learning Creole.  Every missionary I spoke with last week urged me to learn the language before I come full-time.  They all said it makes life much easier and your work more effective.  So here's to learning Creole!! I'm pretty excited about this step!

-Begin creating more contacts in Haiti and exploring mission opportunities for me.

-Take a trip back to Haiti alone to do this networking & exploring.

-Begin trying to save up as much money as I can, while I try to get a better understanding of how much I'll need to raise before I can go.

-Pray, pray, pray, & Pray some more.  Along with faithfully trusting God every step of the way.

-Begin taking on more mission opportunities here at home.  Jim made a very good point that if I'm not sharing God's word at home, then there's no way I'll share when I'm there.  I need to make an even bigger effort to share God's word every chance I get here.  I need to break through some of my self-doubts and insecurities and just go full force.  Practice makes perfect right?!  A couple of ways I've already agreed to are by being a small group leader for our church's upcoming youth Metamorphosis weekend, and by agreeing to be the Director at Grey Stone Kids Camp again this summer.  These are two HUGE witnessing tools, and I'm excited to go even further than I have before with them both.

-And then, along this whole journey I will be trying to discern God's specific call for me in Haiti.  I seriously cannot ask you enough to cover this in prayer! It is a HUGE step in the process, and one I find myself worrying about often.  (That's the planner in me!  Trying to let that go and trust God with the plans!).  Once details are figured out the fundraising and specific logistical plans will begin happening.


I am so so SO very excited about this next chapter of my life.  I have never felt more at peace about a decision before, and I cannot wait to see how God will use, challenge, and grow me through it all.

I'm moving to Haiti!!!!!!

God Moments: Wednesday in Haiti

Wednesday was a very emotional and moving day for me.  I knew our plan was to walk the ravine and visit Pastor Cenor's orphanage.  I did not, however, know that God was going to break my heart in more ways than one, push me to consider options I'd never thought of, or encourage me at the end of it all with a good laugh.  God is pretty incredible like that.

Wednesday morning we woke up, had a fabulous breakfast (thank you Donna & Debbie!!) and walked over to Sherrie's place. Sherrie Fausey runs a school/orphanage/feeding program/everything just down the street from Jim's place.  I worked at her place back in 2009, during my first trip to Haiti, but this was the first time in three years that I got the opportunity to spend time with her and see what all she does again.  Sherrie gave us a quick tour of the school (side note: that place is HUGE now!), and then proceeded to walk us up to the roof; her favorite spot.  From her rooftop you get a complete 360 degree view of Port au Prince.  You could see the ocean, the mountains, and everything in between.  It was stunning!

(View of the ocean from Sherrie's roof)

As the team stood around admiring the view, Ken asked Sherrie if she would tell us about how she got started in Haiti.  I knew all about what Sherrie has been doing in Haiti, but I had never heard the story of how she got started.  To fully understand how much her story meant to me, you need to know that just the night before I spent a couple of hours talking with Jim, Debbie, Donna, and Mom about my calling to Haiti.  It was an emotion filled conversation with lots of added encouragement, challenges, and direction (more to come on that soon).  As Sherrie told her story, I felt Jim looking at me, but I also felt God saying "SEE!!  IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN YOU! JUST DO IT!!"  At the end of her story Sherrie said "If you feel like God is calling you to do something but it's scary, and you feel completely inadequate or unable, then He is definitely calling you, so just jump in feet forward!"  She said, "It feels like you're stepping off the side of a cliff and that you're going to fall 1,000 feet, BUT if you're following Gods call then He is walking with you, and will not let you fall."  

And then my heart started racing.  Tears were welling up in my eyes and it was another one of those moments where there is absolutely no denying that God was calling me.  I've had quite a few of those moments over the last few weeks.  They are insanely scary yet the most peace-filled moments you can imagine.  I've written quite a bit about my fears in moving to Haiti; how I feel completely inadequate and question "Are you sure God?? You really want ME?"  After this week, there is no doubt in my mind that He is sure.  He wants me there. He has orchestrated every single tiny detail up to this point to get me to where I am. It's crazy, but I've never felt more at peace about any decision than I do right now.

After Sherrie shared her testimony, she walked us down to the Ravine.  For those of you that do not know about the ravine, it is basically the slums of Haiti.  These people have next to nothing but their little concrete block, one room home, and a tin roof where their entire family lives.  Their houses are situated on the ravine; a river filled with sewage, waste, and everything else.  This water is what the people drink from, bathe in, go to the bathroom in, cook with, wash their clothes in, etc.  Until you see it first hand and experience the poverty yourself, you cannot imagine what these people must go through each day.  

 (Danny crossing the Ravine)

(Mom crossing the Ravine with Jim's help.  He was so graciously willing to step into the trash and parasite ridden water to help us across.  Thank you Jim for your Servant's heart.  You are an inspiration!)

As we walked through (and across) the ravine, I found myself in awe of the people who live there.  With my selfish American spoiled mindset, I found myself thinking these people should be angry, saddened by their conditions, broken even.  But what we found was nothing of the sorts.  Every. Single. Person we passed had a smile on their face.  They greeted us with "Bonswa" and "Alo" around every corner.  Kids ran out from behind their curtained doors to grab our hands and walk with us.  The people came out to help us navigate our way through the maze of a tent city.  They were the most loving and gracious people we encountered all week.  These people who have every reason to be mad at the world, love it in a way that I can't even comprehend.  They are grateful for what they do have.  They never forget the joy a smile can bring.  They jump at the opportunity to hold your hand and express their love to you.

In this realization I found myself feeling guilty for all of the selfish thoughts, actions, and motives I have each day.  I have NOTHING to complain about, yet we as Americans find things daily to groan over.  We are blessed in thousands of ways, yet we are still not content.  I was encouraged and challenged by these people to find contentment.  To love regardless the circumstances. To smile even when things are hard.  To love fully and unconditionally.

(Sherrie talking to a mother about her child)

And then, just when I thought my God moments were over for the day, I was wrong (no surprise there).  After we left Sherrie's Jim told us about this sweet elderly lady that lived down the street from him who was in her final days of battling cancer.  He went into her home to see how she was doing and to ask if we could come in and sing to her.  She was not having a good day, but agreed to have us anyways.  I was not prepared for what lay beyond that door. We walked into a tiny little concrete block home.  It was dark, hot, and just a tiny little fan was blowing.  And then we saw Elizabeth.  

(Elizabeth & Jim. Picture taken from Donna Tyson's blog)

Jim was sitting beside her on the bed.  She had only a sheet on and it was covered in blood from the tumors that had come through the surface of her skin and broken open.  Her right arm was swollen, and her left one was so frail.  She took all of her energy to sit up and greet us.  Mom started us off and we sang hymns to her while she used what little energy she had left to sing along with us.  As we sang How Great Thou Art, my heart was breaking. I will never be able to sing that song again without seeing Elizabeths face or thinking of her (I broke down on Sunday at Grey Stone when they started singing it).  Here was this incredible Christian woman, fighting her way through her last days on this earth.  She was pain ridden, bleeding, frail, and dying yet she still found the strength to praise God.  When we finished singing, Jim asked if someone would like to pray for her.  It was all I could do to not break into an uncontrollable sob, let alone get the words out to pray.  He prayed over her, and at the end said to her, "When you get to Heaven, your pain will end.  You will have a healthy, strong, and cancer free body.  And when we get to meet you in Heaven one day, we will be able to sing those songs together in the same language."  What an incredible picture that was.  How joyous Heaven will be.  I only spent a few short moments with Ms. Elizabeth that day, but she will forever hold a very dear place in my heart. I cannot wait to see her singing, dancing, and praising God one day in Heaven, with her healthy body!

After visiting Elizabeth we headed back to the house, ate some lunch, and then headed out to Pastor Cenor's orphanage.  I've met Pastor Cenor twice now, but had never gotten the opportunity to see his orphanage.  His place and the kids were great.  We all noticed how well behaved and polite all the kids  were.  While the kids ate lunch Pastor Cenor shared his testimony with the team.  

(Pastor Cenor and his wife)

I heard his story back in 2009, but it is an incredible testimony.  He shared about how real and evident demons are in Haiti.  Here in America, we don't face demonic possessions or see their power first hand, but we have our own demons: like technology, pornography, hatred, etc.  The Devil knows just how to get in between us and God, and here in America it clearly doesn't take much.  In Haiti however, they experience evil in a much more head on way.  Pastor Cenor shared about how VooDoo spirits took over his mother, how he escaped from that world, how he came to know Christ, and how he has led many VooDoo priests and followers to Christ over the last few years.  It's an incredible story, that I simply can't do justice to with my own words.   I was encouraged, however, to hear his story and about how big his faith is.  He will do anything the Lord tells him without question.  He's incredible.

Now, I mentioned above that God also spoke to me that day through laughter.  Before we left for the orphanage, Debbie mentioned that we should ask the kids to sing and dance for us.  We had no idea how much fun it would be.  The kids danced and sang their heart out (see link below).  The workers were cracking up with laughter and we ended the day on such a fun note.  It was a beautiful reminder to me that God see us and he knows just what we need.  He is faithful to guide us, direct our paths, push us to new beginnings, expand our comfort zones, and use us for his goodness; but he is also faithful to fill us with joy and a happiness we cannot explain.  He blesses us with those moments where we can sit back, laugh, and enjoy His creation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opJmtfGVnVo

We serve a Mighty God yall.  One who loves us more than we will ever understand.  This was just one day of how God worked this past week.  I'm just getting started so stay tuned.

Haiti God Moments: Dorothy's

As you all know, Dorothy's orphanage holds a very near and dear place in my heart.  I absolutely love her, the work she's doing, and all of the kids.  It warms my heart every time I get to hug Dorothy's neck or bend down and scoop up an armful of her kids.  I love it there.

This time around, however, our trips to Dorothy's were different than the past two trips to Haiti.  Because we were not staying at her place, we did not get to see the kids as much as usual.  While I missed seeing the kids as much, I found staying at Jim & Debbie's allowed me to return more rested and energized.  I was much more open and ready to play with the kids this go round.

It was also really incredible when we pulled up to Dorothy's house the first day.  This was the first time mom got to experience where I had been staying and working over the last year.  As soon as we got out of the car, you could hear the kids screaming "Cassie-Allyson!! Cassie-Allyson!!"  Mom thought it was cool, but I found myself giddy with excitement to go see them.  Cassie and I ended up rushing out to the backyard so we could wrap our arms around the kids.  I completely bypassed the guests in the house, and forgot to show mom, Amy, and Amanda around first.  Those initial moments, seeing the kids for the first time in 7 months, and them screaming with excitement to see us is a feeling you can't describe, you just have to experience.  I eventually went back in the house and introduced mom and met the guests.  One of the ladies inside introduced herself to me and asked my name.  When I said my name was Allyson, she goes "Ooh!! You're the Allyson the kids keep asking for!!"

And my heart melted.

They don't just remember me when I pull in the driveway.  They ask for me by name even when other guests are there.  Cassie put it best when she said in that moment she realized that the kids love us.  We both know how much we love them, and we hope and pray we can make an impact on their lives and provide a loving support to them, but it wasn't until that moment, that we both really understood for the first time that they do truly love us.  We have impacted their life, in a positive way.  They love and miss us just as much as we love and miss them.

Love.  It's such a powerful thing.

I experienced this moment again when it came time to leave Dorothy's on the last day.  I had been dreading saying goodbye to the kids, as it is always hard for me.  This time however, I was holding back tears all morning.  When I went outside to say goodbye, Johnny ran, jumped in my arms, and just hugged me as tight as he could.  When I couldn't put off goodbye any longer, I whispered to him "mwen renmen ou" (I love you in Creole).  His head popped up and he grinned and said I love YOU!

And my heart melted again.

He understood.  Not only did he understand but he responded with the same love.

It was in that moment that I got a glimpse at how big God's love is for us.  I recently read a book called Kisses From Katie, about a young girl who moved to Uganda to do mission work.  Right before we left for Haiti, I watched this clip where she shared about how she understood how massive God's love is through the adoption of her children.  She said that while we are not direct biological children of God, like Jesus is, He still loves us just as much as he loved Jesus.  In that moment, where I found myself loving this child as if he were my own, even though he did not come from my body, I understood how big God's love is.  He loves all of us just as much as he loved his very own son, Jesus.  What an incredible and inspiring love that is.  Katie verbalizes it better in this audio clip:

It never ceases to amaze me at how God shows His love for us.  He did it in so many ways this past week, but when Johnny looked back up at me and said he loved me, it was as if God himself said I love you. Just as you love this little boy, I love you even more.

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him." -1 John 3:1 

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." -2 Corinthians 6:18

(Me & Johnny being silly.  January 2013)

What an incredible God we serve!

God Moments: Haiti

I've been trying to think of the right words to share with you about our trip to Haiti.  I posted early in the week, but as the week went on, I found it harder to write.  I couldn't find the words to do justice to what God was doing in my life.  Every day I felt more blessed, challenged, and encouraged than I ever had before.  The Lord truly pushed me way out of my comfort zone this past week. While not every step was easy, they were all needed and abundantly encouraging in the end.  I knew God had plans for me this week, I just never imagined they would be this big.  I never thought I'd leave with such powerful new formed friendships that feel like they've always been in my life.  I never thought he would put me in contact with people who weren't afraid to bluntly yet lovingly push me to go further each day.  I never thought God would break my heart in so many ways for His people in Haiti each day.  This trip was more powerful, more fulfilling, more challenging, and harder to leave than any trip I've ever taken before. It's so difficult to wrap up everything that happened in one or two posts.  I think I could write 20 posts and still not do justice to how incredible God was this week.  However, I am going to try.

My favorite part of each day while we were in Haiti was sharing our "God Moments" with the team at night.  We went around the table and shared about how God worked in our lives that day; sharing any moments that stood out.  We shared about challenging, heart-warming, heart-breaking, God inspired, and even laughter filled moments each night.  I was so encouraged to hear how God was working through my team members.  This time also challenged me to be more deliberate about paying attention and recognizing God's work in my life each day.  It's so easy to overlook the small and sometimes big things He does each day.  I loved that we were pushed to focus on those moments, remember them, and share them to encourage each other every night.

So, in an attempt to summarize my week in Haiti, the next few posts will share some of my standout most memorable God moments of the week.

What was your God moment today?  Did you have any "ah ha!" moments with God?  Did He push you do to something new?  Think about it for a few minutes. You'll find once you realize one God moment from today, He will reveal even more to you.

I simply cannot thank all of you enough for your support, financial assistance, and prayers over the last week. You will never truly know how much it means to me and how much you blessed my life.  Even if you didn't physically join us on this trip, each and everyone of you were a part of it.  Thank you for loving and believing in me enough to send me to Haiti.  I am eternally grateful to you all!