In a Place of the Unknown

Monday, November 19, 2012

Anyone that knows me, even the slightest bit, knows how much I love to have a plan.  I like to make lists, have a schedule, and know what's coming around the next corner.  However, right now I am in a complete and unnerving place of the unknown.  All my life I've had this "ideal plan" for my life.  A step-by-step manual if you will.  You know, the typical go to school (elementary, middle, high school), pick a college, get into college, choose a degree, graduate with that degree, find a job, fall in love, get married, have kids...so on and so forth.

While this little path I had planned out went pretty smooth all the way through graduation, I am at a huge pivotal spot in my life right now.  I could go anywhere with this degree, but finding jobs has been such a battle.  Even more so, landing the job after an interview has proven to be more difficult.  The hardest part however, is the waiting and not knowing.  The doing your absolute best but not really having any clue as to how you did, if they liked you, or if you'll get the position.  On top of all of that, me being the dreamer that I am, I get hooked to the idea of these positions.  I start day dreaming up ideas of where it could take me, the possibility of getting an apartment, the new adult tasks in life I'll be taking on, etc.  While that may seem all fine and dandy, it makes the waiting and not knowing that much harder.  My heart is invested in getting this position, but my brain keeps realizing that I truly have no stinkin' clue whether I'll actually get it or not.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me, let alone next week or next year.  Up until this point in my life, I've had a very specific schedule to follow (the school calendar).  I always knew what was next, what I had to do to be successful, and how to get through it.  That comfort zone is gone now, and I was not as prepared as I thought.  No one teaches or tells you how difficult the steps after college can be.  No one walks you through finding jobs, let alone how to be successful in your career.  No one can tell you what step to take next, or where the next path is going to lead.  No one really truly knows what tomorrow holds.

This is a scary thing for me.

Part of me wants to fight it and try to regain control, but the other part of me knows it's not possible.  This is the time I have to fully, 100%, put my faith in Christ and believe he will take care of it all.  Relinquishing this control is hard and the not knowing absolutely terrifies me.  I know it will all work out.  I can see from my past how incredible God's plans have been for my life.  I trust Him, but my heart is heavy tonight.

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