How I Did It: Part 2

It's been a while since my first post so just as a reminder; I'm writing this series of posts to tell how I got through, and am continuing to move forward through, my breakup. My hope is that someone, someday will find hope and encouragement through the things I write and hopefully help them find their way through their grief a little easier. I wanted a starting point to moving on and had trouble finding it, so my hope is that I can remove that step of the process for anyone out there hurting, and help them to find hope again.

So how'd I do it? Well step one for me was to cry, cry, cry, and cry some more. Now this may seem a bit obvious to you, and maybe it is. But crying helps so much. It's your body's way of releasing all the hurt and stress your feeling inside. I know for me, during the first month not a single day went by that I didn't breakdown halfway through the day or cry myself to sleep at night. There were days I wanted to give up, I'd stay in bed all day sometimes, I'd find myself pleading with God to take my pain away and begging for His comfort. I eventually got to the point that I had cried so much that I found myself unable to cry anymore.

I don't say those things to scare or discourage you, I tell you them to make you realize that it IS ok and important to cry. I remember thinking it wasn't ok for me to be upset and thinking that everyone expected me to over it. I thought at times that it wasn't ok for me to be crying at all, that I should just slap a smile on my face and get over it. That was not the case though. Don't bottle up your emotions, don't think people are looking down on you for grieving. Everyone has to grieve in their own way and in their own time. It's not a fun thing to go through and it's most definitely not easy, but it's one step of the process you just have to endure. Accepting that will make things a little bit easier. You'll eventually get to the point that you will make it through an entire day without crying and those days will turn into weeks. Push through the hard times, and don't give up. I promise it doesn't last forever.

Happily Ever After

Today was movie day at day camp. The whole time all I could think about was how when I was their age I used to watch fairy tales and dream up all sorts of wonderful dreams. And I kept thinking how great would it be to be that age again where a movie can make you believe anything and everything is possible, believe that everything will work perfectly and that every story will have a happy ending. I watched some of the little girls faces and I could just see their little minds dreaming up their own dreams. It would be awesome if we could keep that child-like innocence forever, but it was so cool to see those little girls and be reminded of how awesome growing up is.

Power Button?

I wish my brain had a power button and I could just turn it off anytime thoughts of my ex passed through my mind. This past week I have not been able to stop thinking about him. I have no idea why it just seems like stuff keeps bringing him to mind. I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't like the anger I feel when his name crosses my mind, I don't like still being linked to him in any way possible. I just want total freedom from him. And I want the anger and hurt to stop.

And when he's not passing through my mind, Chris is. I've got a battle going on with my mind and heart when it comes to Chris. My heart really misses him and wants another chance, but my brain says leave things how they are. The time we spent together was awesome and I really liked him. Maybe that was just us trying to be what we thought each other wanted us to be. I honestly don't know. My heart says talk to him and figure this whole thing out and my brain says leave him alone. Which one do I listen to? Is he feeling the same way?

Hopefully the day that my ex becomes nothing more than a faint memory will come soon, and things will get figured out between Chris and I. Until then, I'll keep wishing for that power button.

I could use your prayers this week. I'm really struggling.

Patience.

Patience has never been one of my strongest qualities. I have always struggled with it, and find as I get older that being patient gets harder every day. One of my goals this summer is to become more patient but I am already struggling with it. My impatience keeps getting me into trouble, but I am definitely trying my best to improve. I would love if you could keep me in your prayers as I go through this, and would love any advice or tips you may have on how to be more patient.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." --- Colosians 3:12-13

"A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel." ---Proverbs 15:18

How I Did It: Part 1

One of the inspirations and goals behind writing this blog was to not only share my story, but to hopefully help someone else get through the pain of heartbreak one day too. I remember when my ex and I first broke up, I kept wishing, asking, and begging for someone to tell me how to get through this pain. I needed someone to tell me where to start. All the advice I kept getting was time. "Time will heal all," "It just takes time." One person even told me "It takes 6 months to get over every year you were with someone, so you just have to push through it." What?? Are you kidding me?!? That would mean I'd have to deal with this for 2 1/2 years!! That quite frankly, was not optional. I knew it would take time, but I needed a way to get through that time. I was grateful that I had people who cared and wanted to help me out, but I needed a little bit more. I needed someone to give me that first stepping stone.

So now that I've worked my way through most of the pain and found a way to get through this, I figured I might as well write down what I did. Maybe it will help someone else, maybe I'll be pulling this out for my own kids one day. I don't know how God will use this, but I figure if I can give someone hope and help them out of their pain, then I should.

So, I'm going to post a series of the steps I took throughout the next few days. Most of these steps overlapped with each other, but I have to split them apart so you're not reading a 5 page paper lol. And as a disclaimer, these are the steps I took, they may not all work for you and I'm sure there will be steps you add to your own process. This is just meant to give you somewhere to start. After all, everyone was right, it does take time, and you will have to find and push your way through this. My goal is to just give you a place to start and to find hope of a happier future. I'm getting through it, you will too!

"All praise to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." --- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

What a roller coaster of a day...

This has been quite a challenging day. I have been yelled at, threatened, apologized to, and even given a second chance. Wasn't the day i was expecting to say the least.

Before I get to the good part of my day, let me first say a few things.

1. I have never, and will never claim that I am perfect and get everything right. I know I screw up just as much as everyone else.
2. I am a Christian, but that does not mean that I don't act ungodly sometimes, or do things that don't please the Lord. I am still human, I struggle, and make mistakes just like everyone else and I am aware of that. However, because I am a Christian I know that God forgives me for these actions if I ask him. It's not fair to expect me to never fail just because I am a Christian. It doesn't work like that.
3. In no way shape or form was anything I have written meant to tear down, or hurt anyone. I am simply writing down what I have been through so that one day maybe it can help someone else. I simply needed a place to get my thoughts out. So if anything I said hurt you in any way shape or form, I am sorry and that was not at all my intention.
4. I'm doing the Proverbs 31 challenge because I am fully aware that I am not as strong as I could be. If I got everything right, there would be no need for this challenge. I know God needs to strengthen me in a lot of ways and that is why I am doing this.

Now to the good part of my day:

A few months ago I started dating this guy named Chris. I really liked him and we got along great, but when I left school, the long distance made things pretty difficult. We ended up calling things off, and for the last few weeks we haven't spoken at all. I'll be honest, I was pretty disappointed when things ended between him and I, but I respected his wishes to be left alone. However, I really haven't gone a day without thinking about him. Then today, after all of this drama, hurt, and pain, things turned around. He called me and asked how things were going (perfect timing, thank you Lord!), said he would like to be friends, apologized for how things ended, and said maybe we could try things again when I got back to High Point. I can't even explain how perfect this timing was. I had literally just spent an hour crying out to God asking for His comfort, strength, and guidance, begging him to get me through this somehow. And when Chris called, (as cheesy as it may sound), it was like God was saying I see you. I don't know where things will go between Chris and I, but I am excited to call him my friend again. I'm just going to take things slow and trust that God will lead me where he wants me. Thank you Lord for providing me hope and friendship in the midst of my pain. Thank you for seeing me!

" 'I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.' " --- Jeremiah 29:11

"As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength." --- Psalm 138:3

The fun of Hanging out with the Bagwell Family :)

I just had to share the highlight of my day today:

Cassie and I were hanging out with her mom preparing Day Camp crafts tonight and it seemed like everything we said turned into a "that's what she said" quote. Which led to one of the funniest quotes her mom has ever said. It went down like this...

Cassie: "lol Sorry mom"

Her Mom: "For what?"

Cassie: "I'm over here cracking dirty jokes"

Her Mom: "OOH! Well then I need to come back over there and listen!!"

Not at all the reaction we were expecting but it was absolutely hilarious!! That plus the fun of people watching at Applebee's has made this day quite enjoyable.

I love this family :)